Epinions 101: How to Be A Stalker
Dec 31 '00
Please note: This review is written very tongue-in-cheek since there have been many, many complaints of "Epinions Stalkers" to me from the friends I have made through this site. I do not, under any circumstances, promote stalking. I have been stalked not only through this site, but in real life. It's not fun. In many states, it's illegal. This is a review to evoke a few chuckles from the reader, as I'm sure you know at least one person who does some of these things. Please keep that in mind when you rate.
Welcome to Epinions.com, a place where everyday people can write reviews for all sorts of products and places, and get paid for it. Refer your friends, and make money off of them. Start your own partner site and get paid for that, too. The best part about it is that you can express your opinions in a public forum.
Ah, yes, the public forum. People just like you - and totally different from you - are able to express their opinions as well. Even better, you can even see pictures of them, depending on what they decide to do with their profile page. You can put any picture of yourself that you'd like, too. Heck - put a picture of Tinkerbell up. You can even put up pictures of the prettiest girl from high school, and no one will know it's not you.
But, what happens when you run across that special someone? That man or woman you believe to be your soulmate? You can tell not only from their writing, but from everything on their profile page. Why, you just try to let them know exactly how you feel, of course! The following is Candice's Guide to Stalking, a subject covered in Epinions 101.
First and foremost, it is very important to establish contact with the object of your affection. Their email address and own webpage may be posted on their profile page, so take full advantage of that! Start out small, though. Send them an email, such as:
Dear Marty,
I'm Candice923 on Epinions. I have read
many of your reviews and I think you're just
great! Where do you get your ideas?
Sincerely,
Can
That way, you flatter them and also give them a reason to respond to you. First contact is achieved! Keep those letters coming, and be sure to ask them questions. If they're as nice as you think they are, they'll always respond to you. If they don't respond right away, email them continuously until they do. A little persistence never hurt anyone.
The next step is to find out their last name. The internet is a huge resource! Use it to your advantage. Check out their profile page, their own webpage, even ask around. You can find it somehow. Then, all you have to do is dial 00 or 411 and give their name and state (which is also listed on their profile page). Viola! You have their phone number. Call them constantly. When they don't pick up, leave messages on their answering machines, telling them how much you like them. When they don't respond to you, try guilt. Make them feel bad for not returning your calls. That will surely work.
on Epinions, read all or their reviews. Gush about them in the comments. Post review-long comments at the end of their reviews. They'll see exactly how much you care about them. Your writing will make them fall in love with you, just as their reviews made you fall in love with them. Write huge reviews and include the object of your affection - regardless of whether or not they have anything to do with what you're writing about - all throughout. Let your feelings for that person shine through.
You really need to mark your territory, too. If anyone else seems to be stealing the object of your affection away from you, don't let them! Tell them that you know exactly what you're up to. Spread rumors about them. Complain to other users. Destroy their reputation. After all, they're ruining your only chance at happiness!
Do everything you can in order to get your good vibes to your idol. Download their pictures off the web and make posters of them. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize. They're probably fantasizing about you, too. Send them gifts, cards, egreetings, locks of your hair, anything. Plan a trip to go see them (as a surprise, of course). Don't let anyone else close to them. They belong to YOU, no one else. Keep it that way.
These instructions will get you your object of affection. Don't let a restraining order stop you. After a couple of points of contact, they'll understand their destiny: you.
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Epinions.com ID:
Candice923
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 - Top 500 |
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Location: Middle Island, NY
Reviews written: 705
Trusted by: 200 members
About Me:
The twins have arrived - 3/14/08
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