"MMM! Air Smoothies for EVERYONE!" – The Worst Town Write-Off
Written: May 20 '02 (Updated Dec 05 '02)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Highways lead out.
Cons: Highways lead in.
The Bottom Line: Houston – where bad people go when they die…
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| madtheory's Full Review: Houston |
In my ongoing quest to review the many fine cities of Texas, I decided to review the true “star” of the Lone Star State, Houston, TX. The city of Houston is a bustling metropolis home to over four million people in the southern part of Texas. At 8,778 square miles, the Greater Houston Area covers more ground than any other major city in America and is as big as the entire countries of Israel and El Salvador. Would-be astronauts can find an out-of-this-world experience at the Space Center in Houston, and sports fans can lose themselves in the excitement of the city’s many local sports teams. But of course, facts and figures can’t really do a city proper justice. In order to appreciate the awe and majesty that is Houston (cough), you must experience it, and that’s just what I did during my six month stay.
MMM! Air Smoothies!
Upon arriving, I took my first breath of Houston air, suddenly understanding how Ed Harris’ character in The Abyss must have felt taking his first breath of that oxygenated fluorocarbon emulsion. (“We all breathed liquid for nine months, Bud. The body will remember...” )
The air in Houston is naturally humid thanks to the city’s proximity to the Gulf of Mexico, so every breath feels like you’re inhaling a thick, tepid mist. There’s also a lovely, grainy texture to the warm, fluid air, thanks to the large quantities of smog and air pollution in addition to the airborne spores, molds, and fungus that tend to prosper in humid climates like this. It’s great; you always feel like you’re drinking an “air smoothie” instead of actually breathing the crisp, clean air that have become so passe in other cities.
Mean People Suck
One of the most annoying things about Texans is their well-deserved reputation for being friendly folk (‘cept them few dozen times a year when we have to warm up thet thar electric chair…YEEEHAW!). It’s difficult to go somewhere in this state without getting a smile, a “howdy,” or a free gun from someone you don’t even know. In fact, the name of the state is derived from the Caddo Native American word for “friend.” When teaching the word to the early settlers, the clever Indians even put it into context to make it easier for them to understand with sentences like, “no, please don’t kill me! I’m your friend,” and “why are you killing us? We are your friends!” I wonder why you don’t see those guys around that much anymore; they were such great friends…
Luckily, citizens of Houston have the stones to break out of this clichéd “friendly” stereotype and be different. Everyone I bumped into in the malls, at work, and on the streets was refreshingly rude and inconsiderate. It was just like being in a cold, unfeeling metropolis like New York or Los Angeles. Bravo, Houston for adopting that “big city” attitude!
In fact, the meanness started the very first day I arrived in the city. When I first arrived at my new apartment complex around 3:30pm, I was eager to get the apartment keys and rest in the cool air conditioning of the abode. Unfortunately, the apartment personnel coldly informed me of the strict, “no move-ins after 3:00pm rule” even though I had confirmed the move-in date well in advance. Apparently this precept had been adopted so that the residents would not be disturbed, though evidently there was no such protection for the new residents. Fighting down the urge to laughingly push the skinny shrew aside and grab the key out of the desk, I tried to compromise, asking for permission just to move in a blanket, pillow, and TV, so I could rest indoors for the night (my thin budget did not allow for an extra motel stay). Still, the answer remained “no.” For some strange reason she just could not understand why I was so eager to get into the new apartment after a fleeting seven hour drive from Dallas.
So as a result of this unyielding policy, I was forced to spend my first evening in Houston sleeping in my car outside of the apartment complex so as not to inconvenience the other residents. As I dozed off to sleep with an assortment of “biggie-sized” flying parasites in an anticipatory holding pattern above my head, I smiled envisioning one day burning that office completely to the ground. Just think, a resident of one of the hackneyed “gracious and benevolent” Texas cities might have denied me the experience of having my life essence slowly leeched out of my veins for the duration of a long and unseasonably humid evening.
The City That Inspired Grand Theft Auto 3
When you first receive some of your bills after moving to H-Town, the sudden increase in many of the statements may cause you to believe that your mind’s playin’ tricks on ya. Unfortunately, that is not the case, those numbers are real. The standard of living in Houston is moderately high compared to most other Texas cities, probably just to keep the rubes confined to the surrounding areas and notorious inner city projects that raised many a gangsta rapper.
And keep an eye on your car insurance premiums, they actually did double the second your vehicle entered Harris County, the highest rated county in Texas (“We’re number ONE!”). Houston is one of the crime capitals of the state, so you’ll definitely have to learn to watch your back when you roll through the city. Don’t worry, even if you do “get caught slippin’” the hospitals in Houston have a great deal of experience healing bullet and stab wounds. If the veteran physicians in Houston can’t help you, odds are you were DOA anyway. A helpful hint: never leave anything of value in plain sight in your car when you're not in it. Trust me. I’ll never leave a pack of wintergreen gum on the passenger side seat ever again. Someone must have had a severe case of “dragon breath” to have smashed out my window for it.
Home of the Speed Trap
Of course, it’s good to know that in the city with such a high crime rate for Texas, the Houston police department is definitely on the case. Twenty-four hours a day, these highly trained men and women work tirelessly to eliminate the most heinous criminal act on the planet.
Speeding.
That’s right, people here don’t even dream about driving over the posted speed limit, because they know they’ll awaken to Officer Friendly in the bedroom, his black jackboot resting heavily on the forehead of their sleeping spouse. His reflective aviators will barely be able to hide his glee as he scribbles you a citation for your nocturnal transgression. Dream safely.
It’s not uncommon to see roads leading to a freeway having a posted limit of around 50mph until about half a mile from the freeway, where it will suddenly plummet to 30mph. Did the scenery change? No. Are you suddenly in a residential area? No, in fact you came from a residential area, and are now in a commercial area. Then why the sudden decrease in the posted limit? The natural tendency of a driver is to speed up as they approach the highway, and the cops know this, so they purposely decrease the limits at these points. Welcome to the Houston Speed Trap, one of the city’s most popular tourist attractions. Be sure to keep a pen in the glove box, because the police officer will be asking you to sign the city’s official guestbook. If you miss this particular type of speed trap, don’t worry. They have many variations of it strategically placed throughout the Greater Houston area. Odds are you’ll run into one sooner or later.
More Rubbernecking than Reed Richards
Once you’ve finally made it off the side streets (with a nice, fresh souvenir speeding ticket languishing gaily in the glove compartment), it’s time to explore the Houston highway system. What, you’re tired of that old jalopy you’ve been driving since High School? Just jump on the freeway and drive around for a few hours a day. Fairly soon, some nice, marginally alert driver will take pity on your poor hooptie and violently convert it to scrap metal for you. Be sure to raise your middle finger at them in the traditional “thank you so much!” gesture. Provided, of course, your finger is still attached to your hand at the time.
Also, drivers in Houston are a curious sort, so unsurprisingly they love to rubberneck. Regardless how many thousands of accidents take place on Houston highways each year, city residents just can’t resist the desire to slow down to 20mph every time even the tiniest fender-bender occurs, though predictably they have absolutely no intention of stopping to render aid if needed. It’s not uncommon to see traffic backed up for several miles because of the drivers slowing down to peer at an accident in the HOV lane, which in Houston happens to have four foot high concrete walls on either side. So when in Rome, do as the Romans do! By all means, forget those thousands of people behind you who would desperately like to get home before 1:00 am. Take your time, slow down and crane your neck to get a really good look at that stranger’s new dent. Lord knows you’ve never seen one of those before.
Higher Learning
Passing a few thousand of these obviously DUI-influenced accidents will make you realize one thing: such an immense number of youthful, inexperienced, drunken drivers all in one place can only mean that Houston is also a COLLEGE town! Tens of thousands of students per year come to this fine city to drink themselves blind while accruing outrageous student loan debt at any one of Houston’s fine institutions of higher learning. Colleges here include Rice University, Texas Southern University, Houston Baptist University, the University of Houston (Phi Slamma Jamma, baby!), and PrairieView A&M a short distance away. After they obtain their receipts… oops I mean degrees they’ll be set to enter the Houston job market at one of the thousands of companies that are proud to call this fine city their home. Naturally none of them are hiring right now, but feel free to leave your resume with the receptionist and they’ll keep it on file for you.
Somebody Rockin’, Knockin Da Boots
After a fancy-free day of living in this place, it’s time to relax and indulge in Houston’s entertainment scene. Of course, the city is littered with the usual centers of culture that you’ll find in any major American city. There are a number of museums, zoos, theatres, concert halls, and many other places for the average resident to be immersed in fine culture. Fortunately the city council, wisely realizing that these “cultural” borefests are more likely to drive away tourists than attract them, perfectly adjusted their zoning laws to accommodate strip clubs on almost every block. Though the “willy-nilly” zoning does make certain areas of the city extremely unattractive, it also keeps the t*tty bars outnumbering McDonalds restaurants 2 to 1. When you stop in, be sure to ask for “a side of fries to go with that shake,” and keep those dollar bills folded horizontally. Don’t worry, the museums will still be there in the morning if some bizarre proclivity toward boredom compels you to seek them out.
After a long night of being personally violated by jiggling silicone, you may find your self a little hungry for something to eat (write your own joke here; mine included the word “fish” but was removed for obvious reasons). Take advantage of Houston’s nearness to the Gulf and visit one of their 5 billion seafood restaurants. Seafood here is so fresh, when they bring it to your table it winks at you, ogles your cleavage, then asks you for your phone number. For a bit of fun, go to one of these places and say, “hey, do you guys have any chicken dishes? I’m just not really into seafood.” The befuddled stares you’ll get are priceless.
But of course, the best thing about the city of Houston is the many many highways that lead directly OUT of Houston. The city is only a hop, skip, and a long a** drive away from other great locales such as New Orleans, Corpus Christi, Shreveport, Galveston, and of course, Dallas. Not that you’ll ever want to leave, of course. Right?
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This review is part of the Worst Town Write-Off hosted be the beautifully irreverent dedemw. The purpose was to select a city you hate and write the review as reporter, while using satire to describe it as the craphole it really is. I slightly broke from the format because I’m a rebel (and because I didn’t actually read the parameters until I was three pages into my piece), so the others will be much more unconventional and probably even funnier. Be sure to visit her profile page for more info (especially if you’re from Pine Knot, KY), and visit the reviews of the other talented participants. And Houston residents, before you even type up that nasty email; your city sucks. Deal with it.
Recommended:
No
Best Suited For: Singles
Best Time to Travel Here: Never
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madtheory
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Location: Dallas,TX
Reviews written: 485
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DON'T CALL IT A COMEB... wait. I guess you actually can call it a comeback.
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