The Tragedy of King Burger
Written: Oct 22 '04 (Updated May 23 '05)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: There aren't any pros, there are just things that aren't cons.
Cons: Service, repeated food poisoning, bland overall
The Bottom Line: Go for the Whopper, leave from the service.
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| tch7's Full Review: Burger King |
Characters
King Burger: The man behind the machine.
Stacy: The perfidious and amoral offspring of King Burger.
Oswald: Stacy’s unintelligible colleague.
Kent: Fooled by the Whopper.
Edgar: Kent’s older half-brother.
Act I | Scene I
Enter Kent & Edgar.
Kent: Hungry that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth.
Edgar: Then how ‘bout a burger, brother?
Kent: Brilliant! A ground-up cow is the answer. Why ‘tis it that hunger produces these cannibalistic thoughts of eating myself?
Edgar: Mayhap the years of neglecting to ring upon a doctor?
Kent: Clever. Now which place shall we go to? Given my desire for a burger, I believe I would like to try out King Burger.
Edgar: Though I have no desire for red meat, King Burger also provides chicken burgers, fish burgers, chili, salads, and the other usual things. I’m in no mood for anything unusual and I’m sick of McDonalds, so King Burger is the next logical choice for me.
Kent: Good to hear, as the fresh fire-grilled hamburgers are unique to King Burger in the realm of fast-food joints.
Edgar: What do I care? I’m not getting one.
Kent: Ugh, it’s a good thing you’re only my half-brother... Now make sure you bring your résumé along. I hear King Burger has even lower standards than Queen Dairy; standards that you may be able to meet for once.
Act I | Scene II
Kent & Edgar enter grotesque establishment. Stacy awaits.
Edgar: What do you plan on digesting?
Kent: The Whopper looks interesting, but did you not see the crown that kid was wearing? The food can wait until I attain my own crown.
Edgar: I believe only the kids can get a crown, you know, because they’re kids…
Kent: Ah, yes Edgar, it is clear to me now. King Burger is trying to indoctrinate the youth with his cheap propaganda. Plus, King Burger first showed up a year after Stalin died, 1954 that is. Now with over 11 200 restaurants in 61 countries, King Burger will soon dictate us all. Just you wait.
Edgar: Do you think Ronald will become the jester?
Kent: I don’t see how we can think any other way. Zieg Heil King Burger!
Edgar: Anyways… What do you think you’ll be getting?
Kent: The Chicken Tenders look inviting, but left me disappointed the last time I had them. The new Angus Steak Burger tastes pretty good, but I’m not in the mood for it this time, since it is somewhat filling. I’m thinking I’ll just go with the original ¼ pound Whopper, along with fries of course. I’ll try an ICEE for my beverage, but I wish it had more than just Coke and Cherry Coke for flavours. How about you, fair Edgar?
Edgar: The last time I was in one of these joints, I tried the Fish Filet, but wasn’t capable of eating it after my taste buds went to work. Also tried the Onion Rings, which were equally disturbing. My friend that I was with had a Chicken Whopper that he said was good, but I don’t believe it. You know, now that I think about it, I don’t even know why I came here. Nonetheless, I may as well try something, so I’ll try out the Tendercrisp Caesar salad and a Coke, and also that Hershey’s Sundae Pie, which looks tempting in the picture. It can’t be too terrible.
Stacy: What can I get you two fella’s?
Kent: I’ll go with the Original Whopper, medium fries, and a Cherry Coke ICEE.
Stacy: uh…k umm…What’s the first thing you said?
Kent: A Original Whopper, and medium fries, and a Cherry Coke ICEE.
Stacy: I only asked for the first thing.
Kent [aside]: It’s a good thing you aren’t asking for a tip.
Edgar: I’ll have the Tendercrisp Caesar Salad, a Hershey’s Sundae Pie, and a medium coke.
Enter Oswald
Stacy: Hey Oswald, I gots me a date with that cute boy. Now go gets me some chocolate pie and some medium fries!
Oswald: *inaudible mumbles* woman *inaudible mumbles*
Exit: Oswald goes and sits down without doing anything.
Stacy: Legitimate customer, I must have your money.
Edgar [aside]: This impolite cow woman deserves a slap. [Toward Stacy] How much, may I ask?
Stacy: For the two of you, it comes to a total of twelve dollars and sixty-seven cents.
Edgar [aside]: That’s a reasonable price, but I guess it doesn’t cover service.
Stacy: Take this number and sit down and we’ll bring the food to you when it’s ready.
Act I | Scene III
Kent & Edgar sit down inside the establishment.
Kent: Would you not think a King could afford a cleaning staff?
Edgar: You know those damn Kings, never wanting to spread the wealth around.
Kent: True, but would you not think these cheap chairs and tables cannot require much work to keep clean?
Edgar: I don’t think these employees can handle much work.
Kent: I’d say that’s a fair assumption. Don’t you think this interior is a bit dated though? Just looking at it makes me think of a little kid with greasy hands licking the windows. Disgusting, I decree.
Edgar: Just because this building is old, poorly lit, has messy floors and tables and chairs, and appears to receive cleaning once a week at most, doesn’t mean you need to insult the King Burger Youth. You said it yourself; they will be our rulers one of these days.
[ten minutes later]
Enter Stacy
Stacy: Here’s your food.
Exit Stacy
Kent: I really liked that apology of hers for taking so long.
Edgar: As did I.
Kent: Oh well, at least the food looks good, and not too greasy.
Edgar: This salad is actually quite nice and palatable. How’s your Whopper?
Kent: Tasty, though they went to town with the mayonnaise. On the whole, it’s good and doesn’t taste like a sponge. I have trouble believing the bun is fresh baked though. As well, it’d be nice if the burger had some seasoning, just to add a little zing to it. Speaking of zing, these fries are dreadfully bland. Only way they are salvageable is by coating them with a few layers of ketchup. The ICEE is really quite good though, although it’s hard to screw up a frozen drink in the first place.
[a few minutes pass]
Kent: How’s the pie?
Edgar: Average. It’s just like your typical chocolate pie, with nothing special about it at all. Wouldn’t get it again, that’s for sure. I should have just ended on a high note with the salad, which was surprisingly filling.
Kent: My meal was decent, though the fries really needed some help. Fortunately the Whopper put a dent into that crater of hunger. Overall, I’d say somewhere between a three or four out of five for the food. The service, on the other hand, deserves a one out of five though.
Edgar: I’ll agree with you on that one.
Exit Kent and Edgar
Act II | Scene I
That night. Enter Kent into washroom.
Kent [aside]: Treachery! Foul Whopper! My stomach is a mess; ready to spew it’s contents in the most disgusting manner. They tell me gas is non-renewable, yet here I am, creating an unpleasant aroma about this confined space with enough gas to power a small city.
Kent: Oh dearest, most wonderful toilet, how I need you.
Toilet: Now stop it Kent! You’re making me flush…
Kent: Damn you King Burger! You can give me food poisoning, you can give me terrible service, and you can give an average meal in a stingy establishment, but don’t think you’ll get me back there another time without mass propaganda.
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Recommended:
No
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