Like the Saturday afternoon double-feature down at the Roxy, two lackluster horror movies are packaged together so you can waste less money...

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Dracula 2000

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Quotes.

Sheppard: What the hell happened in there?
Van Helsing: I told you to kill her!
Van Helsing: They can be killed by silver, by sunlight or by stakes. You must pierce their heart or behead them. They are Nosferatu, vampires.
Sheppard: And you knew about this? And you're alright with this?
Van Helsing: I had them destroyed eradicated. All but one. My secret in the abbey. He is what they stole.
Sheppard: Who?
Van Helsing: Dracula. Dracula's, not myth, no ravings of a mad Irish novelist, oh no. He is real I assure you
Sheppard: This is the f*ing twilight zone

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Marcus: [Simon produces a cross] Sorry sport. I'm an atheist.
Simon Sheppard: [a dagger pops out of the base of the cross] God loves you anyway.

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Valerie Sharp: Can you see my face?
Cameraman: Yeah.
Valerie Sharp: Okay. Can you see my tits?

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Filmed in fabulous suckerama, Dracula 2000 is as dreary as its title. This is a poorly told modernization of the Dracula legend, suitable as a made-for-TV movie, with just a few seconds of gratuitous nudity, bad language, and graphic violence added to earn it's R-Rating. The director, Patrick Lussier, shows the editing skill that he learned on Wes Craven's movies, by keeping the changes required to a minimum.

Van Helsing has Dracula locked in a super secure vault in London. High-tech thieves steal the sealed, silver coffin, and fly it to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Van Helsing and his stooge, chase after where they run into Van Helsing's daughter. You can guess almost all the rest.

The plot does try a new take on the Dracula legend, hence the involvement of silver, previously limited to werewolves. Based in Catholicism, the new mythos fits vampire lore rather well, but fails to account for the lack of reflections. However, since this twist has no bearing on the main story arc, it has minimal impact on the viewer.

The movie is true to its TV roots, featuring notables: Voyager's Jeri Ryan, House's Omar Epps, That 70's Show's Danny Masterson, Spin City's Jennifer Esposito, and Firefly's Nathan Fillion. Add pop star Colleen Fitzpatrick (Vitamin C), Trainspotting's Jonny Lee Miller, and mix in Veteran Actor Christopher Plummer to give the whole thing some credibility. Gerard Butler as Dracula and Justine Waddell as Mary Heller, round out the cast in the two major roles, but neither of them are up to the challenge.

Nathan Fillion, of Serenity/Firefly/Buffy fame, is fantastic in a minor role. Plumber is moderately convincing as Van Helsing. The three ladies, Ryan, Esposito, and Fitzpatrick, are sexy and ham it up admirably as Dracula's brides. Miller is awful as Van Helsing's assistant, Sheppard. He is flat and unemotional, and fails to connect with either the cast or the audience. Wadell, as Mary, tries to portray her complex, tormented character, but the script gives her no help. Butler's Dracula strides around the set looking fabulous. He looks like a runway model in a Goth fashion show. Unfortunately, he acts like one too.

The script contains virtually no dialogue. The longest conversation in the entire movie is probably the one in my quotes. For the most part, talking consists of a line or two between actions. What dialog that does exist, is well up/down to standard TV fare. The story neither presents any foreshadowing, nor gives any of the cast any real choice in their actions. It is rather like watching a line of dominos fall. Consequently, there are no surprises, fear, suspense or horror. The pacing is an even paced stroll -- nothing to get your pulse racing.

While the cinematography and editing are competent, they leave little to the imagination. A few rough edges and dark corners might have helped the plot along. The violence is almost TV ready, with the real gory bits happening off camera. Why waste money on a tricky effect when you are going to have to cut it out for the networks?

The only thing truly horrific is the horrendous product placement. Many scenes are shot in a Virgin Records superstore where Mary and Lucy work. There's a truck, a neon sign, and the Virgin record T-shirts that the girls wear everywhere, even to bed. Symbolic perhaps, but, when Dracula stopped by the store to watch Monster Magnet video, then I realized exactly what was wrong with this movie. It isn't a horror movie at all. It is just a 99-minute infomercial for Virgin Records.

While it is not a good horror movie, it's not bad enough to be funny. It's just a mess. And despite the promising quote above, Valerie (Jeri Ryan) does not flash her boobs. Two stars only. It isn't the worst movie you could see, but I certainly can't recommend it.

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Dracula 2000

Directed by Patrick Lussier
Written by Joel Soisson and Patrick Lussier

Cast:
Gerard Butler - Dracula
Christopher Plummer - Abraham/Matthew Van Helsing
Jonny Lee Miller - Simon Sheppard
Justine Waddell - Mary Heller
Colleen Fitzpatrick - Lucy Westerman
Jennifer Esposito - Solina
Omar Epps - Marcus
Danny Masterson - Nightshade
Jeri Ryan - Valerie Sharpe
Nathan Fillion - Father David



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Tale of the Mummy

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Quotes.

Sir Richard Turkel: Richard Turkel, August 15th, 1948, Day: 262. Nine months of digging, finally an entrance has been discovered. My hunch proved correct that along this secluded stretch lie a series of tombs but who would be buried here? A Pharaoh I presume? Hidden safely from ancient thieves. Today We uncover the truth!

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Tale of the Mummy is a story full of the awe of ancient Egypt, and quite bloody for it's genre, and given a largely British Cast, which rather sums it up. As we Brits say, It's bloody awe-full.

A team of archeologists open an Egyptian tomb with bad results. Later, a second, better-equipped team try to open the tomb, with less-bad results. Everything ends up in a London Museum, where the Mummy comes to life and begins a grizzly series of murders. The mummy collects parts from its victims and morphs nastily. The ending is fast paced and original, but poorly-edited, ill-conceived, and confusing. The last ten minutes doom this movie to a Hollywood tomb, hopefully to never be unearthed.

Given the outstanding cast, and some decent movies from director Russell Mulcahy in the past, most notably The Shadow, I had high hopes for this movie. It starts well, exceptionally well. The opening 20 minutes, with Christopher Lee as Sir Richard Turkel, explorer and archeologist, opening a lost Egyptian tomb, is atmospheric and verges on excellence.

Once the tale moves to London, it drops quickly to average, despite strong performances from Louise Lombard as Samantha Turkel, and the always-excellent Sean Pertwee as the psychotic, Bradley Cortese. Jason Scott Lee is hopelessly cast as Riley, and his mumbling and heavy accent renders half of his lines inaudible. The talents of usually reliable actresses, Lysette Anthony, Honor Blackman, and Shelley Duvall are wasted. Australian born Russell Mulcahy seems as aware of daily London life as a Wombat is of Wimbledon Dress Codes. This provides some unintentional chuckles, but they may not be so obvious to an American audience.

Gerard Butler is also in this movie, giving the first of four "reasons" that it might have been packaged with Dracula 2000. The second is the appearance of Christopher Lee, who like Plumber is a veteran of Hammer Horror. The third is that they are both 99 minutes too long, though since this movie started at 119 minutes, it's an improvement. And the final reason is the simplest, it sucks.

The special effects in this movie are uneven. At times they are quite good and very effective, at others they are confusing and just plain weird. The ending is almost unintelligible. I am still not quite sure who, if anyone, survives and I don't really care. While it is better that Dracula 2000 for most of its length, the ending ruins everything. If you want to see Sean Pertwee in a brilliant horror movie, watch Dog Soldiers. This one is just a dog, so give it a miss. Two Stars only.

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Tale of the Mummy (1998)

Directed by Russell Mulcahy

Story by Keith Williams and Russell Mulcahy
Screenplay by John Esposito and Russell Mulcahy

Cast:
Jason Scott Lee - Riley
Louise Lombard - Samantha Turkel
Sean Pertwee - Bradley Cortese
Lysette Anthony - Dr. Claire Mulrooney
Michael Lerner - Professor Marcus
Jack Davenport - Detective Bartone
Honor Blackman - Captain Shea
Christopher Lee - Sir Richard Turkel
Shelley Duvall - Edith Butros
Gerard Butler - Burke
Jon Polito - Parsons
Ronan Vibert - Young
Bill Treacher - Stuart
Elizabeth Power - Mary
Roger W. Morrissey - The Mummy

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Please check out some of my other entertainment reviews:

Redwall - The Seige *****
At the Earth's Core *****
Godzilla ***
The Sword and The Dragon *****
Man with the Screaming Brain ***
Nero Wolfe *****
My Man Godfrey *****
The 39 Steps *****
Twister ****
Saving Grace ***

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Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD