Oh dear.

Last night I attended (of my own free will) DESTROY ALL MONSTERS at the Dryden Theatre in at the George Eastman Museum, in Rochester, NY.

This isn't JUST a monster movie. It's a Sumo Wrestling meets Professional Wrestling bout between Japanese men in THICK RUBBER SUITS. I know people who have this as their primary sexual orientation! And to see DESTROY ALL MONSTERS on the big screen was...brain damaging.

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Identification
Also Known As:
Kaijû sôshingeki (1968)
All Monsters Attack (1968)
Attack of the Marching Monsters (1968)
Destroy All Monsters (1971) (USA)
Gojira dengeki taisakusen (1972) (Japan: reissue title)
March of the Monsters, The (1968)
Monster Attack March (1968)
Operation Monsterland (1968) (UK)


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MONSTER ROLL CALL
Godzilla
Looks like Godzilla. Played by Godzilla. When he comes on screen, everyone claps and cheers.

Minilla (Son(?) of Godzilla & Pillsbury Doughboy)
Originally appeared in SON OF GODZILLA. Godzilla-beings must age slowly because this guy hasn't aged a bit in the 25 years since that movie. Very happy looking.

Rodan
The bird thing. Once star of his own movie, Rodan fought against Godzilla in GHIDORAH THE THREE HEADED MONSTER, then fought as Godzilla's allie in GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO.

Mothra
Larval in this movie. Mothra, too, started in her own movie. Later she fought and was killed by Godzilla. Then she was replaced by two of her larval offspring in GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA. Adult again in GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER. More of a spitter than a fighter.

Angilas
The very spikey Anklosaurus thing. No beam weapons, but he's so aggressive that he makes up for it. Angilas was Godzilla's first monster opponent. This is his first alliance with Godzilla.

Gorosaurus
A wimpy 60's version of a Tyranasaurus. Gorosaurus was the dinosaur that King Kong fought in KING KONG ESCAPES.

Baragon
A burrowing critter (not actually seen). Baragon started it's career in FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD, and the Baragon suit took quite a beating, being modified to play at least 3 different Ultraman monsters. Thus, Baragon isn't really in this movie but in name and spirit. The TV commentator refers to the monster burrowing in France as "Baragon" in the Japanese and English versions, despite the fact that it's quite obviously Gorosaurus' head that appears. Baragon was a burrowing creature, so it's obvious that that's the character intended...one wonders what part Baragon was intended to have.

Manda
The giant legged snake thing. Manda first appeared in ATRAGON. His part in the movie is somewhat like Baragon (without actually being played by someone else), he attacks Tokyo a bit, but looks more like a puppet on strings, which could explain why he never mixes it up with the big boys.

Kumonga
A giant spider. Originally in SON OF GODZILLA. Doesn't really fight as much as give us moneyshots on the defeated.

Varan
A flying puppet cameo. From VARAN THE UNBELIEVEABLE.

King Ghidorah
The three headed hydra-thing. Godzilla's most frequent opponent.

and "the Burning Monster"
Flying Hemmorhoid. The Kilaak's final, final secret weapon.



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The Story
Now, with all of these monsters, you would expect the story to be pretty lame. Ironically, you would be wrong, as this movie has a full action/adventure plot AND GIANT MONSTERS TRASHING THE WORLD. Anyway, the story:

As the happy voice over tells us, "All the monsters have been collected and herded onto on island. We call it MONSTERLAND." There's Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Varan, Angila, Gidrah, Spigas, and even Son of Godzilla happily dancing about like the little cherub that he is ("Oh, look, he's waving at us."). And these MONSTERS are ready to party like it's 1999, cause that's what year this is. Man is on the moon, and controls the world. Your typical happy-techonologist fantasy.

Then we enter the MONSTERLAND Control Center, with Dr. Otani introducing Kyoko (and us) to the facility, demonstrating how it is that all the creatures are kept on the island: prop-smoke keeps everyone who can't fly at bay, animated waves in the sky keep the flying ones down. The jolly scientists sitting in their concrete bunkers with panels of monitors are as stupid as all scientists trapped on islands with giant reptiles. (Yes, I'm declaring DESTROY ALL MONSTERS the ancestor of Jurassic Park.) Kyoko's cute astronaut boyfriend Captain Katsuo Yamabe, played by Akira Kubo, calls her up and they chat for a bit but the signal is interrupted! (Maybe it's just the moon setting?) Very soon prop-smoke comes through the cracks in the walls and everyone falls down. And so do the MONSTERS.

Katsuo is sent to investigate. Katsuo is sent to do everything that a serious-looking scientist-type isn't required to do. This gives him the chance to show off his spaceship: the SY-3 Moonlight. (Funny, I thought SY-3 was the 3rd Sonic Youth Musical Perspectives disc, the one with the Esperanto-cover. "Goo" would break out in my head every time they mentioned the SY-3.) He arrives at MONSTERLAND only to find that there must have been a sale, because no monsters are left. In fact, the only people there are Dr. Otani and a cruel Kyoko. They are under control of alien invaders who have found a way to deal with the ridiculous housing prices on Earth: control the MONSTERS and DESTROY, DESTROY, DESTROY. Controlling astronauts' lovers is just a side business.

Rodan soars over Moscow causing havok. Baragon/Gorosaurus digs Paris. Manda in London, Mothra-larva in Beijing, and Godzilla attacks New York (this is the first and only time Godzilla attacks New York City, discounting the 30 year later bad Godzilla movie). (Pookie would like to point out at this time that it is funny that everyone we went to DESTROY ALL MONSTERS with automatically know that when someone said "Not the bad one" that they meant the Hollywood Godzilla by 'the bad one'.) First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin?

No. Then the MONSTERS attack Tokyo.

At several points we thought that the dubbing must be badly translated. But on second thought, there is no other way to explain some bits. The reporter says "Now let's listen to the death cries of the monsters as they are destroyed." and holds out the microphone (that 1/2 arm's length really does help us hear!) to the carnage and mayhem. There is nothing he possibly could have said to justify holding the microphone out to listen that would make it "OK".

The astronauts managed to capture the stoned Dr. Otani (but not lovely Kyoko) and thinking that he's superman, he takes a 20 story step out of a window. The autopsy reveals a ballbearing hidden under a blatantly fake looking patch of skin on his neck. People have been bringing in strange soccer ball sized metal balls "hidden" in large fruit, rocks, etc. etc. And these have been found in the areas the monsters have been attacking, especally all around Tokyo. They determine these are control and relay devices.

Then Kyoko reappears to Katsuo and the collected UN delegation on MONSTER PROBLEMS, wearing a smart dress and nice minimalist earings. But she's not just well dressed, she's a real ball-breaker. She demands that they surrender immediately. In the middle of her speech on the superiority of the Kilaaks, Katsuo locates her alien control balls and RIPS BOTH OF THE EARRINGS OUT OF HER EAR LOBES!!! (I tried to give you a hint there so you could skip it...)

The Kilaak's have a base near Mt. Fuji, so an attack is planned, but the silversuited Kilaak and their controlled minions ("Hey, there's Yuka from MONSTERLAND Control Center, she always was kissing up to the boss, that bîtch.") easily resist the attack. But further scientific work with the relay balls reveals that the signals are coming from a secret base on the moon. So, Katsuo and the SY-3 (I know a thing or two about goo, she won't mind if I tell you) rush back to the moon (Watch out for Rodan!) fly deep down a hole and defeat the lunar Kilaaks. This releases the MONSTERS from alien control. The adventurers also discover that the Kilaaks are vulnerable to cold, and turn into cobble-stones when they loose too much energy.


OK. So you've invaded the base of aliens who are trashing your planet. Aliens who have had you under surveilance for quite a while from the looks of things. You find many pieces of unknown technology in their base. You particularly like the bright, shiny, dangerous looking one over there in the corner. Well, just detach it from it's very sturdy support base and drag it back home! It's a game of CAPTURE THE BOMB! "Look Men! They have a very pretty bomb. Quick, weld that door shut, and LET'S TAKE THIS BOMB HOME WITH US! Won't our leaders be so proud of us when we return to our secret headquarters with this BRIGHT AND SHINY BOMB!"


It wasn't a bomb, but I couldn't tell. It was the alien control mechanism control mechanism, and now the MONSTERS are marching upon the Mt. Fuji Kilaak base. (Yes, the control mechanism to control the control mechanisms implanted in the MONSTERS, so it's an alien control mechanism control mechanism!)

As the MONSTERS attack the base, the Burning Monster appears and destroys the control mechanism. But the MONSTERS are happy with their stompfest, so they continue attacking.

Now the plot get's really deep:

The Kilaak summon King Ghidorah. There is major MONSTER carnage. King Gidorah is held from the front, Godzilla mounts him from behind. Larval Mothra and Kumonga stand on the sidelines and moneyshot all over poor King Gidorah (before and after King Gidorah is dead).

King Gidorah defeated (and somewhere in here the Burning Monster is dealt with), Godzilla breaks the heat shield surrounding the base and it's cobblestones for everyone!

The MONSTERS sorta liked their island, so they return to it, waiting for a MONSTER ISLAND Godzilla movie or perhaps a Jurassic Park franchise to open up in the States.


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Pro:
Look men! It's a bomb! Let's take it back to headquarters!
Earlobe ripping.
Moneyshots
SY-3 Moonlight
Action/Adventure plot

Con:
Minilla's smoke ring killing one of King Gidorah's heads.
Too many unfulfilled cameos
Dubbing job is a little too good.


Recommended:
Yes