forrest_rice's Full Review: Manos, The Hands of Fate
Premise- A couple on vacation...wait. Were they on vacation? I think they were. Okay, so a couple on vacation, and their daughter and a poodle, are trying to find the valley lodge. I think. But they are lost, and so they do what any family would do: Spend the night at a goatman's house, where a satanic guy and his wives make human sacrifices in the backyard. What happens next? Use your imagination!
Review: I must ask one question: Why call it Manos: The Hands of Fate? Manos in Spanish means "Hands". Was the filmmaker really that desperate to think up of a title? Could you possibly make a worse title? I guess if I ever wanted to make a movie about a killer pen, I'd call it Boligrafo: The Pen of Fate. Or why not it's death defying sequel: Lapiz: The Pencil of Fate. In fact, why hands? Couldn't it be Pies: The Feet of Fate?
The movie was made by a fertilizer salesman, so that explains why the movie was crap. There is something about this movie that I can't put my finger on. On one hand, it is the most inept movie of all time. Nothing makes sense, there is no clear plot, there is no clear movie! On the other hand, this movie is in a genre that does not exist. It's unique from any other film (unlike The Last Samurai, but it just so bad. Too bad. I mean, compared to this movie, Plan 9 is a masterpiece of pure genius. But really, when I review a movie, and say: "This is the worst movie ever," I may not really mean it, and technically, Manos really is the worst movie of all time.
Nothing makes any sense in this movie. Torgo is a laughable character. He stuck bowling balls into his pants, therefore enlarging his knees, and therefore, he's more scary. I'm not sure what the director's motive was. Scare the audience with big knees? Wouldn't that just slow him down? I mean, if I came face to face with Torgo, I'd think to myself: Well, yeah, he is pretty scary and all, but thank God his knees are so damn big, because if I have to take off, he'll never catch up to me. Torgo also has a strange twitching problem, which could also work to my advantage. So here's the worst case scinerio. A retarded goat man, with a twitching problem and big knees walks up to you. What do you do? Scream for mercy? Or simply say: "I'm outta here," and leave? I don't think the film maker wanted anyone to think this.
I used to live in El Paso (where this movie was filmed), and I suppose that El Paso would be the ideal place to film this movie. It's a strange town. It's like, half Mexico, and half United States. There's rocky hills all around, and the people range from very friendly to mean and nasty. On one side, the houses are nice and well-kept, on the other side, it's all huts made of particle board. It really is an ideal area to film your bad movie.
Another interesting thing about this movie, is supposedly the budget got too high, and they could not add titles in the beginning of the movie. So instead of titles with a lame background of endless fields, it's just a lame background, with annoying jazz music in the background. In fact, the whole movie is filled with jazz music that simply does not fit with the picture. There are two cops in the film that have a big problem with people making out in cars, and the couple that makes out in the car throughout the whole movie...well...that's all they do. There are endless scenes with this couple making out in a car, and endless scenes of the cops pulling them over. Now in most movies, these scenes would fit in the movie somewhere, however, in this movie, these scenes go nowhere!! The kissing couple don't figure in anywhere else in the whole damn movie!!!
There is also a scene where Satan...well first I want to talk about Satan in this movie. I have always pictured Satan as a force of pure evil, whether matter or spirit. Some think of him a demon-esque character, you know with the classic horns and such. Hal Warren (the director of this film) pictures Satan (aka "The Master") as something quite different. His Satan is not a force of pure evil. He is not a demon or devil, he is in fact...!!!!
...A gay "Frankie Goes To Hollywood" type guy with a funny mustache and giant red hands on his cape. God! I would never want to come up face to face with him. Not since Linda Blair has anyone ever portrayed Satan so well!
If I had to describe this movie in one word, I simply couldn't. It's a thoroughly mind-boggling experience. I mean, my mind in this movie worked even harder then it did when I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey. While I was trying to stay on track with Kubrick's epic, my mind worked hard, however, with Manos, my mind works even harder: What did the kissing couple have to do with anything? Who is that guy? Why are Torgo's knees so big? Why does Satan want a child for a bride? Who is he? Michael Jackson? What happened to the titles? I thought THE MASTER was shot, so why does the dad take Torgo's place? Does this mean he'll grow big knees too?
Yes, this movie is truly horrible. It was rumored to cost $5,000 dollars, but I really can't see how it could even cost $3. Give me camera, a piece of rubber and a toothpick, and I could probably make a better movie. Even its original sound track was lost, and so they had to dub over everything (check out one scene in the beginning where one man voices two people). I don't know how a film like this could even be conceived. I will not give Manos a rating. It is neither good or bad. It is nothing, or as Michael J. Nelson puts it: "...it seems to have come from another dimension – which is kind of true."
Overall Grade- ????
(Even though I gave it 1 Star, it gets none. Manos is something outerwordly, and as negative as my review may sound, I actually recommend it to everyone. This is a film you simply have to see to believe)
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