My Letter To Wells Fargo
Written: May 13 '02 (Updated Dec 29 '06)
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Pros: No, they're not.
Cons: Could be- should prosecute them first before saying so, though.
The Bottom Line: Instead, keep your money more secure by wrapping it in a rubber band, dangling it over an open flame, and guarded by heroin junkies.
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| SLOW's Full Review: Wells Fargo |
11 MAY 2002
*** N. Stephanie PMB #*** Henderson, NV 89014-2633
Wells Fargo Bank
PO Box 3446
Portland, OR 97208-3446
To The Dipsh*t(s) Whom It May Concern:
The decision to write this letter was not an easy one to make. On the one hand, I felt I had to give you a piece of my mind, if only to deride your nonsensical buffoonery. On the other, I was madly tempted to forego informing you of your own costly idiocy, so that you might continue to send me correspondence, at your own expense, ad infinitum, depriving your institution of that amount of money (insignificant as it may seem) you insist on spending on postage, paper, ink, etc.
In the end, I chose the former course of action for two reasons. First, I wanted to have a copy of this note so that I could allay any liability should you, in the far future, try to reclaim some of the funds you have so stupidly lost on this enterprise, and try, as yet another example of your moronic grasping, to blame me for your folly. Second, I truly believe that, even with this letter, you will continue acting in an extremely imprudent manner, and will throw good money after bad indefinitely. This latter rationale so pleases me that I grin as I write this.
That’s what happens to organizations rife with asinine behavior and nigh-criminal lack of judgment: they lose money foolishly.
Anyway, here’s the upshot of the situation: over a year ago, I closed my safety deposit box account with you. I did this by actually visiting the branch where my box was located. I emptied said box, informed the manager of my intention to terminate the contract, asked whether I had any outstanding charges (there were none), and turned over my key to that manager.
You continue to send me letters asking me to A) send payment for a renewal of the term for keeping the box or B) turn over the key to the box.
I guess you can see how dumb this is. Then again, maybe not.
I’ve informed you by letter thrice that this was the case. I’ve even phoned (on my own dime nonetheless!) to explain it to someone who might care. Evidently, none of this has had any impact on your shoddy business practices whatsoever.
So now you’re asking me to remit payment (or key) forthwith, or you will drill the lock on the box and confiscate whatever is inside until such time as I do. I am positively giddy at the prospect that you will do so! Ha! I say again, Ha! First, you insist on drilling the lock (to which you already have the key), an operation I am sure incurs no mean expense. Then you will confiscate the aforementioned volume of air molecules, at the estimable value of absolutely zilch. Then you will wait for me to pay for the storage costs and retake possession of the empty space, or else you will, in your words, “...dispose of them [sic] in the manner provided by law.”
I would, honestly and sincerely, like to see how you go about disposing of those air molecules, licit or otherwise. Short of employing some cyclotron to which Wells Fargo might be hiding up its corporate *ss, or a particle accelerator of some sort, or a supercollider, I think you might find that particular activity somewhat more challenging than getting me to pay for a box I don’t use or return a key I no longer have.
Would you like to hear what I find most insanely humorous about this whole matter? The kicker, as they say? The reason I terminated my business relationship with your organization is that I had a difficult time, on several occasions, accessing my safety deposit box. Why was this the case? As well you might ask. Because, oh halfwit, f*ckwit, demented churls, the bank branch where I kept the box, paid for the storage of my valuable goods, and have since left in disgust, could never resolve one slight, unfortunate problem. This caused repetitious delays on each visit to my box, even though I was assured each time that the mistake would be corrected.
You see, your bank could not remember the accurate spelling of my surname.
It’s perfectly understandable, your error: it’s not an easy name to spell. However, after the first instance of the evidence of your incompetence, it could be assumed that you would take steps to remedy the situation. Surely, indeed, after the second instance.
Nope. Not Wells Fargo.
So why do I find this so hysterically amusing? Because, you chowderheaded bumblef*cks, you still have it misspelled on the letters of demand you insist on sending.
If you ever do try to take me to court (to cover your own negligence), I am perfectly confident that I won’t even attend a single hearing, much less even receive a subpoena, because your lawyers are undoubtedly the same sort of saliva-slurping retrograde imbeciles, and will continue to spell it wrong on all filings.
Thank you for pleasuring me in such a humorous way. Thanks also for the demonstration of your company’s fiscal mismanagement before I gave you any notable amount of my money to p*ss away. I’ve dodged that bullet on my mortgage, student loans, both car loans, all credit cards, savings and checking and brokerage accounts, my IRA, and various and sundry other monetary uses of which I’ve wisely handed to your competition. Rest assured, you won’t see a single cent from me, on this matter or any in the future. If anyone asks, I’ll inform them that your organization is highly untrustworthy, to a comical degree. I will also publish this letter as many places as possible, to share with the consumer community just how laughable Wells Fargo is.
Now, please, send me another letter of demand.
Sincerely,
Ben Malisow
PS: HAHAHAHAHA!
cc: Dick Kovacevich
You can buy my book at: http://www.amazon.com/1001-Things-Do-You-Dare/dp/1598691201/ref=sr_11_1/002-3020328-5072004
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Member: Ben Malisow
Location: Vegas
Reviews written: 117
Trusted by: 124 members
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