The Gift Of Shyness According To 29th_Candidate And Dr. Freudine
Written: May 10 '03 (Updated May 11 '03)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: well-organized format w/stories and exercises; amusing sometimes
Cons: pop psychology that annoyed me with its Ph.D tone
The Bottom Line: I won't apologize for the length since I'm not shy. :-)
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| jankp's Full Review: The Gift of Shyness: Embrace Your Shy Side and Fin... |
*Note* This may be an imaginary scene in my Dr. Freudine's psychiatric office to illustrate the weaknesses of The Gift of Shyness: Embrace Your Shy Side and Find Your Soul Mate, but the book is actually real and the characters are based on me and two other Epinionators, one of whom has performed a couple of the book's exercises and reported back to me, the other an inspiration. It may seem unseemly long, but such a subject required the sensitivity of illustration based on psychology.
Three sections of thirteen chapters, research notes, suggested readings, a Shyness Research Questionnaire and Special Report, a free gift of Shyness Dating with Success Catalog and Index comprise this 2002 232-page book recommended highly by the ilks of Dr. John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. This reviewed book is preceded by LoveTypes from a man with four graduate degrees, including a Ph.D in clinical psychology.
Through the advice, reflection and creative, emotional exercises of this book, we are supposed to gain understanding of how our shyness can be an asset to our social and business life. The following story I think demonstrates the difficulty of doing this by just reading the book like a band-aid solution.
* * * *
I (Dr. Freudine) check my Timex watch and clear my throat as obviously as possible. Most weeks I wear my throat out by trying to be polite, but that would not be the case anymore, not since reading The Gift Of Shyness by Dr. Alexander Avila. Annoyed, 29th_Candidate pauses in mid-sentence to glance my way. I tap my watch with a furtive, little smile.
29th: Already, Doc? Hey, my watch says I have a couple of minutes more. Are you getting bored with my sexual exploits over the weekend or are you meeting your lover here and want me to clear out?
Me: Yes. I'll see you next week, okay? Maybe we can delve into why you asked that silly question.
29th: Silly? Yes what? You're extremely confusing!
I pull out a hand mirror from my desk drawer, forcing myself not to grin, and proceed to ignore him while studying my reflection. I would be assertive, mysterious and a bit outrageous as Dr. Avila suggested.
29th: Well! I've got to meet this Mr. Hotstuff. You've never been so rude to me. In fact you've been different today, Doc, like you wanted to be somewhere else. Are you hinting at something?
Me: Hinting is the last thing I would do. That just leads to misunderstandings and wastes time. Why should I want to do that, 29th? Oh! There's the door and you're still here.
29th, rising to his feet smoothly as I toss the mirror back in the drawer, reaches for the door. Over his broad shoulder he murmurs: Don't think you've got a closet! (He opens the door.) And who do we have here? A freshly-picked flower for the lady? (He steps out of the way and the frowning newcomer clears his throat politely before giving 29th a wide berth and handing me the yellow daffodil at more than arm's length.
Me: Why, D...darling! Thank you so much. I just love daffodils.
29th: I don't believe this. He's just a kid wet behind the ears, for Pete's sake! Are you feelin' okay, Doc? Who the blazes are you, kid?
The newcomer's eyes open wide and for a moment he doesn't know what to say, but then he starts giggling and blushing as if caught red-handed stealing from the cookie jar. I stare in dismay at the unexpected turn of events. Obviously Dr. Avila hasn't helped my new client be an Actor (the side of us that allows freedom of expression instead of observing life).
New Client: I...I was just imagining what I could have said to him, you know, like Dr. Avila has me practicing in front of the mirror and...gosh, Dr. Freudine, I couldn't do it. I know I've disappointed you?
Me: Oh, shush. 29th, I really need you to leave now, please. My lover and I...
New Client: LOVER?
Me, sighing: Didn't you read the book at all and do the exercises?
New Client: I sure did, Dr. Freudine, and here's my journal answering the questions (he pulls out a notepad and drops it on my desk), but I just have too much Observer in me to be an Actor. I can't stop giggling when I try to say whatever crazy thing comes to my mind. I mean, they seem crazy to me. I'm sorry.
29th: Would the book be The Gift Of Shyness by Dr. Alexander Avila?
Me: Are you still here?
New Client: Yeah. Have you read it too?
29th: Enough of it in the bookstore to know it's pure fluff. Doc, you can't be seriously trying to help this kid get over his shyness with that book, are you?
Me: One does not overcome shyness, but only its negative aspects.
29th: All right, that's what I meant.
Me: I doubt it! You don't even know what the book's about. I want you to leave.
New Client: I don't mind hearing what he has to say.
Me: What you do after your session is entirely up to you.
29th: It's his session, not yours! Now look, um?
New Client: My name is...
Me: Unh uh uh! Not in my office. I'm sitting down and doing paperwork since I'm not needed. Talk about rude!
29th, striding forward and swatting the notebook off my desk, glares at me: I'm not being rude, but you are insufferably haughty and small-minded. What are you so afraid of? That I'll impress that kid more than you can?
I drop my trembling jaw, speechless.
29th: Ah, there's the fool book over there. (He grabs it from the desk and opens it.) Let's just go down the chapters, shall we? Part One: Why Shyness Is A Wonderful Romantic Gift. Well, isn't that sweet? I never would have guessed that one in a million years. Oh, here's The Truth About Being Single And Shy. Scintillating stuff here. It's A Shy World After All, right? 40 percent of Americans consider themselves shy, 60 percent of Chinese. Hmm. Great ending:
Used "intelligently" (quotes are mine), the Gift of Shyness (not the book, mind you) will reward you with an enriched social life, a deeply satisfying love relationship (what a fortuneteller!) and a contented heart and mind. Pp 37
Now let's look at The Seven Gifts Of Shyness a bit. Irritating scenes to illustrate a point, aren't they? Okay, Sensitivity...and what loopy exercises to develop it! New Agers will love it. Listen to this:
STEP 2 (STEP 1 was note preparation): As you sit with your friend, tell this person that neither of you will say anything for the next several minutes. Now pull out your list of questions (4 basic questions!) and focus on "feeling" the answers based on the vibes you're picking up. pp 42
Going on, Long and Loyal Relationships, Listening, Modesty (where was yours, Doc?), Mystery, Gentleness. All in one life-enhancing chapter. Now the Gift of Shyness is yours!
Next chapter: What Kind of Shy Am I? Shy Introvert, Shy Extravert, Non-Shy Introvert, Non-Shy Extravert (how rude!). Let?s see. From the Myers-Briggs-based descriptions of each, I'd say I was a Non-Shy Introvert and the kid a Shy Introvert. We know what you are, Doc.
Me: Okay, you've had your fun. We know what's in it already, thank you.
New Client: What did you think of the chapter about getting your fools out? I tried a couple of the exercises and making noises at furniture only made me feel self-conscious and embarrassed. I'm just not spontaneous and never have been.
29th: How can you be spontaneous if you dislike being silly? The point of spontaneity in this chapter is to help you be assertive and say what you feel or think, but getting your fools out didn't help you do that.
New Client: It sure didn't. Probably nothing would.
29th: Not true! Avila says he bases his research on 'field-proven techniques, strategies and exercises,' but that doesn't mean it'll help you. I think...
Me: I'll be the psychiatrist if you don't mind, 29th.
29th, looking down on her: What's wrong with giving my opinion?
Me: Nothing...outside my office. Opinions are only subjective, but psychiatric analysis is objective and the reason why, um, he is here.
29th: Really? I always thought it was subjective as well. So how would you answer the kid's question about why getting his fools out didn't work? Give us the unblemished wisdom of your schoolbook knowledge!
Me, straightening in my chair and taking a deep breath: I wasn't disrespecting you, 29th. I'm trying to salvage this session with my client, which you have ruined. Absolutely no progress was made to help him appreciate his shy nature and allow him to be free of the Observer or Critic voice in his mind. Instead you've made fun of his shyness and any attempt to understand him. When he said he didn't think anything could help him, I would have asked why he was so negative and tried to discover when and why he started feeling that way in his life.
29th grunts and looks down, then at the equally-thoughtful kid: It looks like she's right about that. I hope you'll accept my humblest apology.
New Client: Of course.
29th looking askance at me now: Does this mean you like The Gift Of Shyness, Doc?
Me hesitating: Mr. Anonymous, yes you, would you please excuse 29th and me? Please have a seat. I'll be just a few minutes. (I stand up and gesture to 29th to open the door. We step out and I close the door.) 29th, I don't give my opinion to my client because that sways his opinion. He has to find out what and why he feels a certain way.
29th: So you hated the book, too?
Me: Well, just between you and me, I thought it pop psychology and was laughing inside at your commentary. I would've loved to hear you slam the rest, like which shy type is best for you and dating wisdom for the Shy Introvert, but I can only imagine the horror on my new client's face. He's not prepared for such running sarcasm, 29th.
29th laughs out loud, making me shush him.
Me: I'm sorry for my rudeness during our session. I really got to you, I'm afraid.
29th: So why were you?
Me: Trying out Dr. Avila's assertiveness techniques and setting it up for my new client to be spontaneous. I'll be nicer next week, promise.
29th: Haha. Okay, Doc! Please stay unconventional and spontaneous, though, and honest. Say, the hour is just about up. I'd really like to walk out with him and you if you have no more lovers coming with flowers.
Me softly laughing: No more. Wait a minute while he and I discuss the value of continuing the sessions about the book. I have his journal to read, so I don't think there'll be a problem. The book may be hokey, but it's a conversation starter.
29th: That's good then. I'll try to get over being jealous of the kid and curb my Actor better, okay, Doc?
Me: Promises! Promises! (I grin with my hand on the doorknob, take a big breath and open the door.)
Recommended:
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jankp
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Member: Jan Peregrine
Location: Lincoln, NE
Reviews written: 1499
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Farrah, I'm stunned. Play with the other angels, love.
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