I've seen some silly movies in my time, but nothing really jumps to mind now that I've just seen Casablanca Express, a World War II movie directed by Sergio Martino and starring Jason Connery. The movie was made in 1989, and yet it is included in a package of DVDs made by Platinum Disc called "War Classics" (which set is also on Epinions, and I will review as a whole if I ever actually watch all 8 movies). To include this movie in a set of "classics" really waters down that word to almost complete irrelevance. Still, it was fun in a hokey kind of way, especially if you're a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The plot, what there is of it, concerns an attempt by the Germans to kidnap Winston Churchill on the way to his meeting with Roosevelt in Casablanca. For some unknown reason, Churchill flies into North Africa but doesn't fly directly to the city, instead having to make his way there from the Allied base. The good guys try to get him to Casablanca without anybody knowing, but the Germans catch wind of it. The train is waylaid by a German spy who then leads a contingent of German paratroops into an attack on the train. British special agent Alan Cooper (Jason Connery) must stop the insidious plan before the Germans can make off with Churchill, which would be a propaganda coup!

The problems with Casablanca Express must be seen to be believed, but they begin with horrible acting (except passable acting from Glenn Ford and Donald Pleasance, who look almost embarrassed to be in this flick). The dialogue is humorously bad at best and dreadful at worst. The music is trite, synthetic swill that doesn't fit the mood at all but attempts to showcase the "action" in the film. I can't think of a single good thing to say about anybody's performance in doing their jobs in this movie. Ok, one thing. Jinny Stefan, who plays Lt. Lorna Fisher and Connery's love interest, is fairly attractive and actually shows some skin (yes, there is brief nudity in this movie, for those of you who are turned off by that but not by everything else that's wrong with this picture).

The worst thing about Casablanca Express, however (and yes, worse than all mentioned above) is the internal and external logic and realism in the movie. Historical accuracy be damned seems to be Martino's attitude. First, to my knowledge, there were no US Marine units in North Africa. There were some individual Marines, but I don't think there were any actual units that could be sent to Churchill's rescue. Secondly, I already mentioned the strangeness of Churchill flying into North Africa but not actually to Casablanca, but I'll reiterate it here. I've also heard other problems with uniforms and the like (which I can't really tell), but I will mention that, given all of these other accuracy problems, I find it strange that it appears they actually got the German paratrooper helmets correct (or at least the fact that they were different from the normal German army helmets).

As for internal logic, there are scores of problems here. Internal continuity seems to be fine (at least I didn't notice anything egregious), but the thought processes behind what's in the movie are just baffling. Why all the emphasis on the civilians and others on the train? We see two extremely flirtatious ladies, a priest with some nuns who also interact with an apparent Moslem imam (or at least some sort of Moslem religious figure), and strangest of all, two gay British soldiers. Removing them would shorten the movie considerably, as Martino spends a lot of time with them. But why not at least give them some depth? That way, when a bunch of them are killed, we actually care? Instead, they're flatter than an unassembled cardboard box and when they die, we say "oh, how vicious of those nasty German soldiers!" instead of "oh, I really wished he/she had lived." I could list a lot of the other issues and make this review a lot longer than it is, but trust me, it's full of them.

Then there are the errors that you just have to laugh at because otherwise you'll cry, such as one crossbow bolt to the back/gut killing a soldier so quickly that he can't even scream. Or Fisher knowing to use the radio to call reinforcements when there's no way she could know whether the bombs had been defused yet (which was when she was supposed to use the radio). These are the types of errors that are actually fun to talk back to if you're watching the movie with somebody else.

Finally, I have to mention two strange inclusions in the film. First, the whole conspiracy thing about Churchill knowing ahead of time about the attack on Pearl Harbor but not telling Roosevelt about it so that the US would enter the war is brought up but then subsequently dropped. Glenn Ford's character had a family member die at Pearl and he seems very angry at Churchill, but that quickly fades to nothingness. Why bring this up in an action movie where you know you will never be able to address it as an actual controversy? And then there is an argument among two of the passengers about Vichy France collaborating with the Germans that is brought up for no apparent reason as well. What's with the needless philosophizing in a bad popcorn flick?

All in all, Casablanca Express isn't really worth the 90 minutes you spend watching it, unless you're going to laugh at it (or give it a scathing review!). The result of the film is weaker than the sum of its parts, and considering how weak those parts are, that's pretty bad. Avoid this one unless you have to. And if you do, then get in the right frame of mind. You could have some fun with it.

*edit* I've discovered that I missed the fact that Churchill's plane had been attacked and diverted to the Allied base rather than continue on to Casablanca. Beside the fact that I don't think that actually happened (I guess it could make an intriguing "what if?" though), I still have to wonder about that logic. Why would there be no escort for his plane? Supposedly, a German *bomber* attacked it and diverted it. What the heck? So my specific criticism is wrong, but I still find fault in what actually did happen.

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD