Jaws fighting Yogi makes you want to buy Sexy Pants - 56% of Americans agree.
Written: Aug 24 '07
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Product Rating:
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Pros: A darkly funny but possible scope into the future.
Cons: Can be disorienting due to the unconventional style.
The Bottom Line: Unnerving but hilarious, an amazing debut by a young writer that probably bumped me out of a class I wanted.
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| SpookyMonkey's Full Review: Chris Bachelder - Bear V. Shark: The Novel |
"For 280 million or more players
Ages 0 to Adult
Equipment: Major media, internet, domed stadium, corporate sponsorship, First Amendment, patriotism, military bases, unemployment, sweatshops, complacent and politically impotent populace, homicide, crack cocaine, fashion, standardized tests.
Setup: Give each player a Television, a second mortgage, a mind-numbing job, a staggering Visa debt, and a set of fast-food action figures.
Gameplay: Each player watches television
Object: To perform meaningful work and forge rewarding connections with other human beings.
Winning: Ha!"
Let me preface this review by saying that I am in no way biased in my interpretation of this review because Chris Bachelder attended the University of Florida, even though I went there. I'll also not mention the fact that Padgett Powell, a brilliant writer himself, wrote Bachelder a glowing review on the dust jacket and that I would have been in one of his writing workshops if I hadn't been rejected for whatever political fascist agenda that the English department had in place. I am not bitter. I am not writing this review though sobs and whimpers. I do not need my blankey.
Ooooooo-kay. Moving on?
Don't get me wrong - I adore this book. It has taken a very elementary question and turned it into a paradigm:
Given a relatively level playing field - i.e., water deep enough so that a Shark could maneuver proficiently, but shallow enough so that a Bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity - who would win in a fight between a Bear and a Shark?
Oh, simple. A Shark.
Why?
Pointy teeth. You ever see Jaws? He chewed up Captain Quint like a wood chipper. Giblets and gore particles everywhere!
You're basing your assumption on a movie?
Well yeah. Did you ever see The Bear? Total butt-wimpy wussfest. I've seen more ferocity at a cuddle party.
Bachelder would agree with you - the way you answer the question tells us a lot about you.
Oh no you don't, Monkey. I'm not writing this review for you. I see what you're doing here.
Fine. Imagine a world where that very question becomes deterministic not on a casual level, but on every level. The world has gone into a hyperinformative mode, saturated and bombarded by media advertising and political agendas. You are born into the world, your umbilical chord is cut and you are given an opinion on Bear V. Shark.
Sounds like Bokanovskification minus the class warfare and plus marketing tie-ins.
It's funny you should mention that. Bachelder presents the story as a pure satire, much in the same way Aldous Huxley provided readers with Brave New World. As bizarre as the utopia is that he shows us, it still is a utopia. All people work, either definitely or indefinitely, towards the epic that is Bear V. Shark. It is the futuristic Super Bowl on a global level. It has a running commentary. It has history. It requires analysis and defense against its strongest critics.
I thought it was just an argument.
Normally, it is. But the story suggests that, in the not-too-distant future, science has created a way to simulate an environment with the conditions necessary to allow a bear and a shark to fight to their maximum capacity.
Like a vat of partially-set jello?
Gross. But yes, something like that.
One boy in one family, Curtis Norman, wins a set of tickets for his family to witness the spectacle live - to see Bear V. Shark II (the first being marred by a head-kaboomy malfunction). But this requires an extended road trip and interaction among a family unit that is anything but. The meticulous attention that advertising and media has given to each and every person has created a disconnect – people are unable to relate to each other on a most basic level, unless it concerns matters of bears, sharks and what would happen when they rip each other to pieces.
I bet I would beat the snot out of a Shark if I had to fight it in a vat of partially-set jello.
You're in good company:
"Asked what they would do if they ran into a bear or shark, 36 percent of Americans said they would kill it, 33 percent said they would capture it, 22 percent said they would feed it, 8 percent said they would leave it alone or run away and 1 percent said they would try to have sex with it."
Those creepy shark-humpers.
What I find most interesting in the story is the presentation – the reader is given nonsequential snippets of information – sometimes a chapter of dialogue, sometimes commercials, sometimes random information. As a reader, you are witness to literary channel-surfing. You will be given three pages of information relevant to Bear V. Shark and then moved on. Each chapter is subversively funny and darkly fascinating – Bachelder truly believes in plight. This also makes for a quick read – one or three page chapters mean you will find yourself sitting down to read a couple in a moment of downtime only to read half the novel. It marches quickly through the 250-ish pages and can easily be read in a day or two.
So who wins in the end?
First off, I wouldn’t spoil that in a review, ever. Second off, the phrase ‘the journey is more important than the destination’ never rang so true as it does here. The story is both humorous and depressing, perhaps at the wrong times and triggered by the wrong situations. As a spectator, we are witness to the pure joy that people take in the mundane, the sheer lack of substance inherent in that which people have claimed as their faith and the creepy resemblance to those things in our own lives. Bachelder lets us down easily, presenting a likely scenario of the future if the media has anything to say about it – will humanity’s lack of self control and obsession with immediate gratification lead us to kill a man over his preference of wildlife?
So who’s going to like this?
If you put Huxley’s tone and Palahniuk’s wry sensibilities in a cocktail shaker and made yourself a wordy martini, you’d find it between the pages of Bachelder’s novel. His writing is very crisp without getting self-important and you get the feeling that he had a lot of fun writing this.
So, book aside, who wins in the fight?
Steve Irwin.
Dude, way wrong.
What, too soon?
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
SpookyMonkey
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Location: Gulf Shores, AL
Reviews written: 138
Trusted by: 84 members
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Spookymonkey - Occam's Gillette Mach 3 Turbo.
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