SpookyMonkey's Full Review: Simon Bond - 101 Uses for a Dead Cat
I hate cats.
They offend every sense I have. From that lingering dander that turns me into a snotty wreck whenever I enter a cat-person's home to the ponsy aloof attitude that every feline carries (as if they think they're immune from being punted across a living room because they're in my favorite chair) to their inability to flush toilets - what's to love about cats?
The myth that cats have nine lives (and nine too damn many) has been obliterated - every cat now has ten!
Excuse me, Mister SpookyMonkey, but I am a cat person and I object.
Tough tits - you're in my review now, so you play by my rules.
Were you abused by a cat in your former life? I can't think of any other reason for such bitterness.
Those damned cats need to get a job! I'm tired of them slouching around and suckling away at the government teat, slurping up my tax dollars for gilded scratching posts and motion sensor litter boxes. Fortunately for me, Simon Bond has found a use for cats.
101 Uses for a Dead Cat is Simon Bond's magnum opus. While this review to this point already has more words in it than the entire book, there isn't enough that can be said to praise the genius behind this works.
So Bond found uses for dead cats. That's not the same thing as cats getting a job.
Let me put it this way - you're arguing semantics and I've got a shotgun.
You're horrible!
Horrible like a fox! Each of the 95 pages within this book contains one or two depictions of a practical application for a cat corpse, illustrated in simple black-and-white comic format with enough detail to explain exactly what is going on. A handful of uses include:
Boat anchor -cement-filled cat shown tied to a rope. Cat wearing typical catty smirk, possibly because of proximity to fish.
Cat-o-nine-tails -Nine cats tied together and utilized as flogging device. Person punished here must have been convicted of a heinous crime if he is being forced to touch nine cats at once.
Beer tap - Beer dispensing end of cat better left to imagination of reader but graciously depicted in illustration (loss of appetite for beer may soon follow).
To say this novel is juvenile is comparable to calling sticks brown and sticky. You could pick it up and read the whole thing while waiting in line for a coffee in your local bookstore. But that would deprive you of a conversation piece. What do you think would be most likely to inspire rabid discussion if viewed upon your coffee table - Better Homes and Gardens, Maxim, ESPN: The Magazine or a book about turning cats into garden tools?
But sticks aren't sti---
Shut up. My review, my rules.
So why did you only give this book four stars?
Well Bond failed to provide me with a proper resource of dead cats. Bond assumes that there's an abundance of dead cats just lying around in piles on every corner, waiting to be fashioned into salad tongs or bagpipes. I've blown through a small fortune of hollow point bullets trying to fill my house with feline-limb knick-knacks and trinkets. Not to mention that the SPCA won't return my calls anymore and I have eighteen pending lawsuits courtesy of PETA.
Why don't you just buy knick-knacks and trinkets rather than make them from dead cats?
Am I reviewing a product called 'A day out with grandma at the Flea Market buying kitschy porcelain breakable things'? No! This is a review about dead cats.
Is there anything else out there like this?
Since this was written (in 1980), there have been several other books released with nearly identical presentation. Andy Riley's "The Book of Bunny Suicides" provides similar guffaws and presentation. Bond has also written a couple of other books in this style.
I can't believe you wrote a 700-word review on a book with less than 50 words in it.
That's not true. There's got to be 60-65 words on the dust jacket alone. Hell, the publishing company's name alone is fifteen words.
Since time immemorial mankind has been plagued by the question "What do you do with a dead cat?" Here, at last, in 101 hilarious, outrageous, and (som...More at HotBookSale
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