Building Self Esteem Takes Years Of Confidence Building Experiences
Jul 06 '00
I was always the "shy" kid. The kid who wouldn't go out to the mailbox because I was afraid someone might see me. The kid who could express themself through writing, painting and other creative ventures, but who would actually start crying when talking about any feelings that I might have. I was the kid who was always last to be picked for teams in grade school.
Yes, I was that kid who grew up into an adult with self esteem problems. I know how it feels to be unsure of yourself. I know how it feels to think others are watching you with critical eyes. I know how it feels to not have the confidence to go fully forward with dreams and desires. I know all the pain, insecurity and just plain fear that can come of not having developed a good self esteem and self confidence in oneself.
I do not want my kids to have to go through what I went through. Too much is wasted, too much is lost on the journey to adulthood when you do not have the confidence to run forward into life. My husband also suffered for most of his life with low self esteem and poor self confidence. We make a good pair ~ ~ we have helped each other tremendously in self growth and in finding that knowledge that we really are ok, in fact we're pretty ok! We are both working at helping our kids find their way in this world filled with peer pressure and negative influences all around.
So what do we do to help our kids develop self esteem and self confidence?
Give praise and encouragement for efforts made. The outcome may need more work in "your" eyes, but look at the effort that was put into it. Let them know just what you like (this can go for artwork, crafts, help in cleaning even picking up their toys, staying by you in a store, helping with younger siblings, etc). If you feel the need to help "fix" something, try to do it in a positive way, pulling them back into the task with you.
Make a special point of commenting on their special talents. It is nice to get noticed when you do something well, even if you are two or twenty-two. Our two boys have talents in different areas and this can lead to some jealousy, or feelings of "not being any good." We find areas to praise for both of them---Daniel, who is 4, is already a natural when it comes to sports; Michael's talents lean toward a musical ear, creativity, and academics, and he really does not have much interest in sports---he does not like to sweat!
They both get the choice to play a sport (with dad mostly), or as part of a local team. Michael played soccer one summer when he was 4 and hated every minute of it---Daniel who was barely 2 at the time was always running to kick the ball even then.
We accept them as individuals and give them both the choice at any opportunity that comes along----if it is a new activity we at least get them to give it a try; you never know what may spark an interest! And in the case where you have more than one child, and one is "better" than the other in any area, it is important to be just as happy, and to notice the efforts being made. As your children get older they will be able to notice differences in talent---make sure they know that their talent is special in and of itself. We each have our own special talents which can be shared with the rest of the family or with friends.
Another area where we treat our kids as individuals is when we go out to eat. We have always given them the choice between 2 or 3 meals to order, and the choice between 2 or 3 drink choices. When the server comes to take the order they get to speak for themselves, having already decided exactly what they want. At the end of the meal they take turns taking the check and money up to pay; or if you eat where the tab is left in a leather folder or on a small tray, we usually let one of them put the money into the folder, and the other one go to the server and give them their tip with a thank you as well. Believe it or not, this helps them develop self esteem, confidence, behavior in social situations, pride in knowing they are a "big kid," and helps them to not have that fear that so often rises it's ugly head in social or group situations.
Michael and Daniel are more than able to ask a grownup for help in a store. They are more than able to pay for our movie tickets after telling the person just how many tickets they need (2 kids, 1 adult and 1 senior please). They are capable of speaking up politely to a server if they need a straw, more utensils, more napkins, etc. They routinely walk in just ahead of us and let the hostess know just how many there are in their party, give a name if we have to wait, and strike up conversations with adults or children waiting near us. Michael is able to dial any number on the phone (if you tell him the number) to ask if a certain item is in stock. They can do this because we have consistently given them the opportunity early on with help in letting them know what to say, or how to say it.
Now look at all the experiences our kids are being exposed to. They are all giving them positive feedback. They are "empowering" them to know that they can handle themself in very public situations. As they get older and can handle more responsibilities you had better believe we'll be giving them the opportunities to practise all these "people skills," that all of us have to deal with every day. This is not to say they will not have to deal with peer pressure, situations that will make them feel bad about themselves, or just the anxiety of growing up and being a teenager with so many confusing feelings and emotions---but whatever we can do to give them a strong foundation, a good sense of family and self, we are going to do our best to help them along the way.
I see so many children, even children older than mine (and adults too) that step-back, are quiet, that don't speak-up, that do not possess the experience in being successful in these different situations---when will they learn? How will they learn? What fears will they have to go through on the way? Is this really necessary if you can change the way they interact with the world?
I have been there and I can speak from experience. Those irrational fears and insecurites do nothing positive for you. They hold you back. They slow you down. They make you miss doing some of the nutty fun things that kids do, just because you are afraid, because you do not have the self confidence to "just do it!" If you have ever been through, or are still going through this, do whatever you can to change the way your child will see the world.
Try this out. Try and give your kids the chance to pay a bill, to order for themself, to ask a salesperson to help them find something for them, to put the money in the parking meter, to make the deposit for you at the bank, to order for the whole family, to call a store and ask if they have a certain toy or video recording in, to help you find all the ingredients for a cake in the store and then help you mix it all up at home, to help you with any basic "fix-it" chores at home, to let them sign their own thank you cards or to send their own e-mail, giving them help with spelling as needed, etc, etc, etc!!!
You see what I mean? The list is endless. There is really no extra effort involved---just the act of love and the desire to share life's experiences with your child. The rewards your child will receive will have a positive impact on their whole life---and isn't this what parenting is all about? Best of luck to you!
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