To Thine Own Self Be True
Dec 05 '00
I am the mother of four children. I have been pregnant four times; I have given birth naturally four times. I have breastfed four babies, and potty-trained two. I have sent two children off to kindergarten, watched two children play in a school band and have read more report cards than I can remember. But, there is much more to me than that.
I love to read, and writing is growing on me. I used to paint and draw until I realized that I had enough talent to know that what I was producing was garbage. I am a smartass, and I like to play pranks on coworkers. I have an overdeveloped sense of justice and fair play, and my heart is too soft. Sad movies turn me into a weeping mess, but I like testosterone movies like Rocky too. In short, I am a whole, complex individual. There is more to me than the sum of my children.
At some point in our lives, we have all come across them – women who lose their sense of self the moment they get pregnant or have a child. Every waking thought seems to revolve around their baby or child, and every word out of their mouth is related to their offspring. We sit and nod our heads robotically and look at the latest in the long line of baby pictures, too polite to tell our friend that we find their children extremely boring.
Good manners prevent us from taking our friend aside and reminding them that before they were mothers, they were people. That they have unique talents, thoughts, and traits that have nothing to do with the child they conceived and bore (or even adopted). Perhaps we are doing them a disservice, for our act of silence allows these women to continue behaving in a manner that slowly drives their friends away and isolates them to the point where their child is the only person in their life.
No, I am not going to start telling all my friends and acquaintances to stop yapping about their children all the time. Even I am not quite that rude (yet). But, I often want to.
Perhaps I am overly sensitive to women who lose themselves in their children because of the time I spent in Egypt. In Egypt, it is still the custom for some women to be renamed with the birth of their first child (or first son in some areas). My daughter, Sarah, was born in Egypt. At the moment of her birth, I ceased being “Amy” to some people, and transformed instantly to “Ohm Sarah” (Mother of Sarah). In my American, independent mind, I resented this loss of my own identity. I couldn’t understand how women could be so willing to lose themselves, even their very name, simply because they had given birth.
I felt strongly then, and I still do, that a mother needs to be a whole person unto herself before she can be an effective mother. Children need a role model to look up to – to emulate. How can they emulate someone who only mirrors their childish achievements? I do not believe that every woman must work outside the home and have a career to achieve this. It is quite possible to be a housewife and mother and still pursue the activities and dreams that make you you.
Yes, motherhood does involve sacrifice. It involves financial sacrifice, as well as a great deal of time and commitment. It means looking out for the welfare of my children and considering them with every decision that I make. I am not a young, single, childless woman anymore. I never will be again. But in order to do my best for my children, I also have to look out for my needs for socialization and self-fulfillment as well.
All mothers, whether they have one child or ten, whether they have an able bodied child or a child with disabilities have a duty to be able to separate their own lives from their children’s. If, as mothers, we wrap ourselves so tightly in the world of our children’s successes and failures what happens when they are grown and gone?
At some point, our children are going to be adults. They are going to want to relate to us as adults. If we have not shown them that we are complex and interesting individuals, why would they want to spend time with us? If we cannot separate from them for brief periods of time now, what will we do when it is time for them to leave the nest? Will we still be boring our friends with tales of what junior did this week? Or, will we turn to our grandchildren and fixate on them?
If you are a new mother, it is very easy to get so involved in the miracle that is your child that you fail to see that you are driving your friends and relatives batty. Everyone thinks their baby is the most beautiful child ever born. Everyone thinks their child’s first words are the cutest and the smartest. Trust me, most people do not want to hear the minute by minute account of your baby’s life. There are some people who will revel in your child with you – your spouse and the baby’s grandparents will most likely agree with you that Baby Boo is just wonderful. The rest of the world wants to know you , not your baby. They want to maintain the relationship with the part of you that existed before you gave birth.
The key is that all things are good in moderation. If your baby does something absolutely wonderful, of course it is ok to share. Your true friends will want to share the happy moments too. But, pay attention to the cues that it is time to stop talking about junior and time to move on. If their eyes start to glaze over, perhaps it is time to discuss a topic that you both enjoy.
Of course, if you don’t do anything interesting, you won’t have anything to talk about. This is why it is important to take some time to continue to develop your own interests and hobbies. Sure, it’s almost impossible with a newborn in the house, but the time will come when you can get a way for a bit. Finally, every aspect of your life should not be child related. If even your email signature simply proclaims that you are a mother, perhaps it is time to start looking for other hobbies.
My father used to quote “To Thine Own Self Be True” to me when I was growing up. He meant that I shouldn’t follow the crowd and should do what I knew was right in my heart. But perhaps we mothers should take heed to this advice as well. We should take the time to be true to the people that we are beyond being a mother. It will make us better parents in the long run.
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