revenge of the music review: how to write the friggin' things
Nov 22 '03
The Bottom Line WRITE OR DIE.
Approaches to writing music reviews are like thongs: everybody has one, but it don't necessarily fit everybody else.
As a schizophrenic, however, I like to think that each of my personalities can churn out a serviceable review utilizing a number of disparate methods. Yet, as a helpful young lad, I've decided to dispense some free-of-charge advice (the best kind!) about music-review writing, and the different formats you can use. Along the way I will quote from various reviews that were never ever written because authenticity is for the birds.
From Celine to Sade, from Bach to 'Pac, from Pearl Jam to [subliminalmessagesuckyripoffcrapband/subliminalmessage] Creed, one of the following styles should suit your creativity and writing style. I mean, let's face it, if they don't, you're either a genius or a crappy writer. Onward, ho!
I. THE STANDARD
Boring! Your "standard" review is written by fanboys, most of them fat and lazy like me, who aren't spectacular writers, but then aren't spectacularly bad. The object here is to just string a few album-related sentences together and rack up approximately 103458764956 reviews so you can get five bucks in Income Share every week. There's nothing wrong with writing a "standard" review. Unfortunately, odds are that the reviewer will NEVER admit to have writing something as weak as a "standard" review. I wouldn't know, I never have.
A standard review on, say, The Roots' Phrenology, might go something like this:
You may have noticed that a lot of mainstream rap is pretty bad these days. People listen to the likes of P. Diddy, Nelly, and Baby. Luckily we have The Roots. The Roots are a rap band. I don't normally like rap, but when The Roots do it I do because they have drums. The first song is "Rock You." It is kind of a standard sounding song with an okay beat but that's about it. I really like the next song which is "Sacrifice," this song is very mellow and relaxing and makes me happy......
Things to remember when writing a standard review:
* Comparisons to the current state of music, whether favorable or unfavorable. If you like the Britney CD, it's "in a day and age where prefabricated pop stars with no identity whatsoever dominate the airwaves, Britney Spears is a very charismatic performer"-- if you don't like it, it's "in a day and age where prefabricated pop stars with no identity dominate the airwaves, Britney Spears is a very popular airhead. That makes me angry because we should all listen to Michelle Branch." Comparisons are crucial to this type of review, as well as words like "day and age," "dominate the airwaves," and "prefabricated." This, too, works with a hip-hop review-- except for you can also throw "commercial" in there.
II. THE CYNICAL APPROACH
Are you jaded? Do you have diarrhea? Do albums with major labels on them make you blanche and turn purple? Perhaps the cynical approach is for you. Cynical reviewers think "pop" is a dirty, dirty word. They are often terribly well-spoken, and use their well-spokenness to trash every band you've ever heard of. They use metaphors like "whoah." And everything is overrated. (Notable exceptions include voxpoptart and shilmafone, who just happen to write really good reviews on bands we've never heard of.) Here is a snippet from a cynic's review of Pearl Jam's Riot Act:
Pearl Jam is not a brilliant band, though their miles and miles of foolish diehard fans would have you believe they're musical revolutionaries. Rather, singer Eddie Vedder's throaty, ultra-emotive howl is filtered through shoddy hard rock that takes its cue from the '70s so Pearl Jam fans can fool themselves into thinking they're listening to something other than average alternative rock. On their latest album, Riot Act, Pearl Jam reach for the stars and draw back a handful of fireflies. This disgustingly mediocre album......
Things to remember when writing a cynical review:
* Compare to bands no one's ever heard of. Telling us why The Beatles were overrated? Tell us with credibility. Tell us in a sentence that tells us what we SHOULD have been listening to in 1967, even if it IS some lame-o band we'll never listen to because they didn't do "Here Comes the Sun." "I'm regularly chagrined by how often foolhardy middle-aged hippies and brainwashed children alike cite the Beatles as their primarily musical influnce, when they could have been listening to Unrequited, The Groovy Groove Band, or Jackie and the Kennedies, all '60s bands Beatles-esque in sound, but not as crappy. I love Radiohead!"
* Embrace the terminology. That's right. If you wanna be a cynic, shape up and start talking like one. Boning up on your multi-adjectived, hyphenated comparisons works wonders. Saying that an artist sounds like a "crack-addled Nelly" or a "faux-African Sting fronting the Counting Crows"-- and using a scripty prefix like "faux" which looks like it should be "folks" but actually is pronounced "foe"-- will bring your opinions with humor and a dash of insight.
III. THE JIVE-HONKY REVIEW
The "jive-honky" review is really quite simple. It usually involves someone fat and caucasian like myself fancying himself up on ebonics and (ab)using the dialect in his review. Also, said slang is often terribly outdated. Here's a snippet of a typical jive-honky review as it pertains to The Very Best of Marvin Gaye:
Anyway, if you wanna have a dope collection, cop this shiznit, jigga. Maybe you ain't exactly down with r&b, maybe it ain't exactly yo' thang, but this is dope shizzle to bump in ya hot ride. It's the bomb-diggy, dawg.
I think this speaks for itself.
IV. THE LETTER
When stuck for creativity, many people choose to use the format of a letter to their favorite artist to relay their opinion about an album. In this letter, you tell them why you love their album, or why it smells like goat. Here's a chagrined R.E.M. fan writing to them about their album Monster:
Dear R.E.M.,
I have been your loyal fan for many years. I was with you back in the day with "Radio Free Europe," and I even stuck with you up through "Shiny Happy People." I eagerly awaited Monster, your long-promised "rawk" record. Unfortunately, I was very disappointed to see that it blows. This is an ugly lump of unlistenable trash made for people with no taste. Did you go temporarily deaf? Why are all the guitars heavy instead of fun and jangly? Why does "Strange Currencies" sound like "Everybody Hurts," only crappy? Why is "King of Comedy" completely disgusting. You suck R.E.M. I hate you.
Sincerely,
[reviewer]
Remember:
* Said artist will not read your review. Feel free to be as scathing-- or as stalker-like-- as suits you.
V. THE INTERVIEW
Stuck for creativity? Write a lengthy interview with the artist, wherein they'll inevitably answer any and all questions anyone could have about the record. It's improbable, sure, but effective enough. Here's a sample review of the White Stripes' Elephant:
INTERVIEWER: So why don't you tell me what this new album's like? Is it anything like White Blood Cells?
JACK WHITE: We like to think it isn't. We've expanded our artistic horizons and moved in different directions while staying true to our core sound. Meg sings a track, "In the Cold, Cold Night." We also include a seven-minute blues jam called "Ball and Biscuit." And "Seven Nation Army" will be the most galvanizing single of the year.
[Meg White smiles and says nothing.]
INTERVIEWER: She's creepy.
It takes a witty man (or woman) to make this work, but it's possible-- I'm reasonably sure that nyquil_addict's Slipknot review is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
Of course, you don't ALWAYS have to interview the artist. Not if you have a chihuahua.
VI. THE SCRIPT
Everybody loves movies. Turn your review into one. The most popular way to go about this is to fashion it after a meeting with the band's members....
SCENE: The Aerosmith Mansion. The band members are sitting around a table.
STEVEN TYLER: I can feel it, guys. This is going to be our best album yet. "Fly Away From Here" is our best ballad since "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," and "Jaded" is like "Cryin'" all over again!
JOE PERRY: When will we rock again?
STEVEN TYLER: Soon! But we're going in different musical directions right now! Ki-ki-ki-KYOOOOW!!!!
JOEY KRAMER: Why don't you guys do crack anymore?
.....but you can afford to be creative with this kind of thing. Take the following scene, in which a father stumbles upon his kid listening to a Dashboard Confessional album.
SCENE: Little Johnny's room. Dashboard Confessional is blaring. Little Johnny is dressed in black and crying. Dad comes in.
DAD: What's wrong, Johnny?
JOHNNY: (singing) "Your hair.... is everywhere...."
DAD: Are you okay?
JOHNNY: It's just this music. It's so emotional!
DAD: (chuckling) Son, son, son.... let me tell you about emotional music. When I was a kid, we had Al Green! And then we grew up and listened to Pavement.
JOHNNY: (sniff) What's a Pavement?
DAD: Well, son, it's the precursor to this sad-sack bullsh-t you like, except they could actually write good songs!
JOHNNY: The Dashboard guy writes good songs! I hate you!
DAD: (chuckles) Son, the Dashboard guy writes songs about girls for guys who will never get them.
Johnny runs out of the room crying.
It's all in how you write 'em.
VII. THE TRACK-BY-TRACK
The most tried and true way of going through an album is the track-by-track method. This is also the most boring, so don't do that unless you're, say, divad23 or caffienatedyak. You shouldn't need me to demo this, but for the learning-impaired, here goes-- a review of The Strokes' Is This It?:
The Strokes are from New York. People hype them a lot. They sound like Television.
"Is This It": A boring, droning mid-tempo rock song.
"The Modern Age": A boring, droning mid-tempo rock song.
"Soma: A boring, droning.......
VIII. DEF POETRY JAM
For those of you who are poetically inclined but nobody reads you in the writer's corner, write your reviews in rhyme. You can bust your phat flow (see #3) and provide helpful consumer advice at the same time. There are several ways to do this, so I will review Outkast's Stankonia in several different poetic forms.
First, there's the funky fresh freestyle:
Stankonia is the bomb because it rocks
it's groovy like a record and funky like socks
the chemistry between Andre and Big Boi is key
they're the coolest cats in the Dungeon Family
Andre's like Prince but he's taller and from Mars
Big Boi cruises in ATL in his cars
with one foot in the cosmos and another in the ghetto
Stankonia's one CD that you'll never wanna let go
Then, there's the hip haiku:
outkast make me dance
but they also make me think
they are really good
Finally, there's the limerick. Don't let anyone tell you it's the lowest form of poetry.
there once was a group named Outkast
their album Stankonia was a blast
they were socially aware
but i didn't care
'cause i was too busy shaking my.......
You get the picture. You can get into sonnets if you're real advanced.
IX. TEENAGE SHORTHAND
Occasionally you get a review that looks like the first draft of a paragraph posted to an N*Sync message board on AOL. IF all those pesky "Very Helpful"s don't make you feel like enough of an anarchist, I'll give you the following review, for Elton John's Greatest Hits, free of charge. I will also come over to your house and beat you.
whoooooooooaaaaaa so my dad bought dis cd an i wuz all like ELTON JOHN WTF IS THAT and he wuz like HE WUZ POPLURE WEN I WUZ UR AGE and i listind to it and wuz all like THIS IZ SUM STUPID SH*T WHAT IZ HE GAY OR SOMETHING and dad was like AZ A MATTER OF FACT YES and i wuz like LOL!!!!! HE'S GAY!!!!! BILLY JOEL MUST BE HIS GIRLFRIEND LOL!!!!!!! THATS SO GAY!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then my dad beat me w/ a rake
I hope you've learned something. Writing music reviews ain't as easy as I make it look, no sirree bob. But with these nine helpful formats, I hope you've learned something. Now go write, ho'.
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Stairway2Drew
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Member: Andrew Ratliff
Location: Nowhere, NJ
Reviews written: 377
Trusted by: 235 members
About Me:
Smelt just like baloney for some reason.
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