Paul's Handy-Dandy Gay Marriage FAQ
Aug 07 '03
The Bottom Line Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I'm getting married. Got questions? Get your answers here!
Hey all, terrific news! My partner of five years, James and I are getting married in October! We're both very excited about it, but naturally, we realize this is something that some folks might consider at best unorthodox, or at worst, "an abomination of God" (as it was once put to me). So I've created a little FAQ about gay marriage for the curious:
Q: Is it legal for two guys to get married?
A: No, same-sex "marriage" is not legal in any state - though Vermont does recognize "civil unions". In fact, the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (signed into law by Clinton) basically absolves the federal government and/or any state from having to recognize same-sex marriages recognized in other states (which just goes to show that the "pre-emption" doctrine is limited neither to foreign policy, nor the Republican Party). There is currently a movement to pass an amendment to the Constitution stating explicitly that marriage shall only be between one man and one woman.
Q: So, if gay marriage isn't legal, and your homestate of Wisconsin doesn't even recognize civil unions, does having a marriage ceremony change anything for you and James officially?
A: No. There is nothing, and there will continue to be nothing “legal” or “official” about our relationship, aside from a joint checking account, and a joint credit card account. James and I cannot file joint federal or state taxes. If James were to suddenly croak tonight (before he's drafted a will), I could reasonably expect to have to fight to keep our house (which is titled in his name). If I were in an accident, and surviving only on life support, James would legally have no say in whether I should stay alive.
Q: So, if it isn't legal, and if it doesn't change your status officially, why the heck are you doing it?
A: That's a difficult question. But it basically comes down to family. As far as James and I are concerned, we are married already. We’ve shared some very difficult and some extraordinarily wonderful times with each other. We see, know, and embrace each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We live together. We pay bills together. We go grocery shopping together. Most of all, we love each other. We don’t need a ceremony, or the approval of the government to prove that to ourselves or anybody else.
But, if it were just us, things would be a heckuva lot harder on us, and it’s very possible that without the love and support of our families, there wouldn’t still be an “us.” James comes from a Southern Baptist background, and though my family is generally less religious, neither of us expected the kind of unconditional support and welcome we’ve received from each other’s families. When James’s mother sends us a Valentine’s Day card, she sends it to her “two sons.” And my parents jokingly (I hope) insist that if we ever split up, they’re gonna keep James.
So this ceremony we’re having isn’t just about us. It’s about celebrating our families and our friends, because they are every bit a part of “us” as we are – they’ve helped to make the “us” possible.
Also, it’s a great excuse for throwing a fabulous party!
Q: So, where are you having your wedding?
A: We are, in fact, having a church wedding, though officially we can’t call it a wedding, in order to save our pastor some head-aches.
Q: Doesn’t it all make you angry?
A: Actually, I really only get angry when I hear politicians talking about how recognizing same-sex marriages will somehow compromise or even destroy the “Institution of Marriage”. If this were a valid argument, then I would expect they’d be passing bills left and right to try to prohibit “Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?” type reality shows. If theirs were a valid argument, they’d be talking about the frivolous marriages, infidelities, and divorces of their own colleagues.
I don’t mind that the government doesn’t recognize my relationship with James as valid nearly as much as I resent that the government implicitly approved and recognized Darva Conger’s and Rick Rockwell’s. That to me is not only ludicrous, it is insulting, especially given the time and effort it takes to keep a real marriage afloat. If the government were really interested in “defending marriage”, their front lines would be in fortifying their own marriages, not de-legitimizing mine.
I’m not exactly sure that the “Institution of Marriage” needs defending, or is even worth defending – but if that is the goal of our government, than, like so many other battles, they are approaching this one especially dunderheadedly. What could be a stronger defense of marriage than actually recognizing a strong marriage, whether it’s between one man and one woman, two men, or two women?
Q: Do you think gay marriage will eventually be legal?
A: I do, and at times I think I may see it in my lifetime. I’m feeling less optimistic lately.
Q: Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Aren’t you worried about going to Hell? What about the children? Etc.
A: My relationship with James is one of my greatest accomplishments, as far as I’m concerned. It has made me a stronger, happier, less selfish, more loving person, and I thank James every day for that; and I hope that I have been as good for him.
I don’t believe in Hell as a geographical place, so I’m not especially worried about going there. But, I do believe in Hell as a state of mind – and I’ve been there, and I daresay it nearly killed me six years ago. My relationship with James is and continues to be the opposite of Hell.
As for the children, I think children get it a lot easier than their adult counterparts. When my youngest brother Andrew was 6 years old, he answered the door one day to find my date for the evening. “Paul,” he shouted, “Your boyfriend’s here!” I used to worry a lot about what my younger brother and sisters, and what my nephews and nieces would think about me – Andrew has known that I was “different” as long as he can remember. And what I’ve found as those kids have grown up is that they grow up with a far more open mind about what relationships can be.
Some alarmist preachers and politicians would have us believe that by approving and legalizing gay marriages, it would somehow represent an “endorsement” of a “lifestyle”. Bullroar!
Homosexuality cannot be endorsed, simply because it is not a choice. The only choice involved is whether a homo wants to accept him/herself for who s/he is. Likewise, homosexuality isn’t a lifestyle, but rather a characteristic of people that encompass a range of lifestyles as diverse and disparate as their straight counterparts. Legalizing gay marriage will not suddenly start some massive trend where good, God-fearing Christians leave their straight partners and children for a life of degeneracy. Quite the opposite. Legalizing gay marriage may very well have a strengthening effect on families. It may open doors between parents and children that are often frighteningly and immutably closed.
My own relationships with my parents were very stilted – almost nonexistent, and occasionally even hostile - until I came out of the closet. While the “coming out” wasn’t all sweetness and light, more than ten years later, I have a relationship with my parents that would have been impossible had a chosen to keep the love of my life a secret.
Q: Speaking of your parents, how has your family reacted to the news?
A. James and I have received overwhelming support from both our families. Our parents couldn't be more thrilled, and most of my brothers and sisters (James is an only child - I have 7 siblings) are participating in the service. My big, butch, football-watchin', beer-chuggin', car-fixin', girl-f*ckin' brother is going to be my best man.
Q: So, then are we going to be seeing you and James on Bravo anytime soon?
A: Umm. No. James is a large guy with lots and lots of back hair, and I’m kindashort and kindafat, and neither of us have a whole lot of fashion sense, so we don’t really fit the profile of the “telegenic queer”. But, hey, it’s nice to dream.
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Any other burning questions? Shoot me an e-mail! It’s okay. And I promise to answer your questions in an update to this “review.”
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Member: Paul Lorentz
Location: The Land of Limburger and Leinenkugel's
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About Me:
Somebody turn the lights on...
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