Adolescence: A Perilous Journey for Girls
Apr 26 '01
The Bottom Line Love them, educate them, respect them, set firm expectations, and LISTEN to what they have to say.
What happened to that happy little girl? You know, the one who was twirling around in her ballet skirt one moment and was out climbing trees the next? Remember that girl that just exuded confidence and optimism? What happened to her?
Adolescence happened.
Granted, some girls manage to maintain their preadolescent sunny disposition, confidence and androgynous characteristics throughout their adolescent years. However, many more tend to lose these wonderful traits, or, at best, temporarily misplace them.
Instead, many adolescent girls succumb to self-doubt, poor self-esteem, body image dissatisfaction, eating disorders, depression, and harmful risk-taking behaviors (specifically, sex, drugs, and alcohol).
Why Am I Writing About This?
What could I possibly know about this topic? After all, my daughter is only three and a half. The truth is, this topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I just finished teaching a college seminar on adolescent girls, though teaching isn’t really the right term because what I really did was learn.
I had 16 women in my class, ranging in age from 19 to 45. These women are the success stories – after all, they made it through high school and are attending college. What I found out, though, is that almost everyone of them still has some pretty raw feelings and misgivings about their adolescent experience. If things were so rough for them, how about all those girls who were less successful in negotiating the adolescent years?
Although I stayed relatively quiet during this class (a rare thing for a college professor, huh?), I found the stories resonating with my experience from adolescence. When I think about the things I did and how I felt during that time, it’s really a miracle that I’m where I am today. In fact, in some ways it’s even remarkable that I’m still alive.
Face it, it's not easy to be an adolescent girl these days. It's not necessarily easy for boys during adolescence, either, but the problems they face tend to be somewhat different than the ones that haunt girls. Please understand that I'm not trying to minimize the importance or the significance of adolescent stressors for boys. That's a topic of a future editorial.
Why is This Such a Rough Time for Girls?
Problems during the teen years are not typically due to a single cause, but instead tend to be the result of multiple factors coming together. Some (but not nearly all) of the culprits are:
~~ Puberty: At the risk of sounding overly-Freudian (which I’m NOT), there are some biological changes that occur during sexual maturation that can make life more stressful for girls (and their parents). At the very least, the rapid increases in estrogen tend to have a dampening effect on mood. That’s not all, though. One of the biggest culprits is the increase in body fat that naturally occurs and leads to that more “curvy” adult female physique. Realistically, that shouldn’t be a huge problem. However, it IS, partially because of the next factor…
~~ Unrealistic Media Portrayal of Women: Girls in Western society grow up with a bizarrely skewed image of the ideal woman. They see pictures of beautiful, tall, slender women in magazines and TV and come to believe that that is the desirable female body type. What many don’t know is that many of the pictures they see in magazines are airbrushed to remove “imperfections.” Furthermore, the many of the women they see in TV and movies aren’t really as they appear to be. Many times the video close-ups on a woman’s abdomen, buttocks, or breasts may not even belong to the actress herself, but are taken from other women, each of which may have ONE of these attractive characteristics – but not all.
The danger is that girls think this body type is both attainable (it rarely is) and necessary for their acceptance (definitely not). To make things worse in the adolescent girl’s mind, puberty takes them from the idealized version of femininity (slender and willowy) to the dreaded reality of increased body fat.
By the way, this change tends to be MUCH harder for girls who mature early because they tend to be shorter overall (not desirable in our culture) and they stand out significantly from other kids their age (boys and girls) in terms of their physical changes (also a dreaded fate).
To make matters worse, they simultaneously have to deal with…
~~ School Transitions: By some unfortunate twist of fate, many girls are in the midst of the difficult changes of puberty at the same time that they are transitioning from the more protected and nurturing elementary school environment to the more stressful, competitive, and less supportive environment of the middle school or junior high. The concurrent physical changes and social changes are often overwhelming for girls and what tends to suffer are their grades, their participation in extra-curricular activities, and their mood. For whatever reason, adolescent girls suffer from depression at twice the rate as adolescent boys.
~~ Sexual Harassment: For some reason, our society, which has been so concerned about sexual harassment in the work place, has turned a blind eye to sexual harassment at school. I challenge you to find an adolescent girl that has NOT experienced this, in one form or another. Usually the harassment comes from boys who call the girl names, make sexually suggestive or derogatory remarks about her body, or may even touch her in unwanted ways. When confronted on this behavior, the response from adults is often “well, boys will be boys,” like somehow that lame statement can excuse this harmful behavior that eats away at a girl’s self-esteem and encourages her feelings of powerlessness.
~~ Separation from Parents: All adolescents, both boys and girls, tend to pull away from their parents somewhat during this period as a way of establishing their independence and forming their own identity. This separation is perfectly normal, to a degree, but sometimes can create problems for the child and their parents.
Adolescents often insist that their parents give them more freedom and stop treating them like “little kids” but at the same time they desperately need their parents support through this confusing time. It’s sometimes difficult for parents to know how to strike a good balance. The end result is that some adolescents feel misunderstood and very alone, which can lead them to give their peers too much influence over their lives.
~~ …and Much More: There are obviously other factors that can play an important role in making adolescence a perilous time for girls. Unfortunately, I can’t address them all or this editorial will be unbearably long (which it already is). At the end, I’ll refer you to some books and websites that can give you more information about these stressful factors in adolescent development for girls.
So What Can Adults Do to Help?
Most parents of adolescent girls love their daughters and are desperate for ways to help them through this potentially rough transition. Similarly, there are many teachers, older siblings, and caring friends and neighbors who want to help but don’t know what to do. Although there are no guarantees that your helpful overtures will be immediately embraced and accepted by adolescent girls, here are some things you can do:
~~ Be Sensitive and Supportive While Remaining Firm in Your Expectations: It’s very clear that boys and girls of all ages tend to do best when their parents and teachers adopt an “authoritative” style of parenting/teaching. This means that you provide a lot of nurturance, love, support, and sensitively respond to the child while also holding firm to reasonable expectations for mature behavior.
Some shell-shocked parents react to changes in their adolescent by clamping down and becoming ultra-strict, where others throw up their hands and drop any and all demands on their child. Neither of these strategies is likely to make the situation better and, in fact, will probably make things worse. Adolescents need to know that you still care about them deeply AND that you expect them to act in a mature, responsible fashion.
~~ Practice Forgiveness: Adolescents, like all people, will screw up sometimes and make mistakes. Help turn the mistake into a learning opportunity but don’t hold a grudge. Grudges tend to increase distance between adolescents and adults and can increase their sense of isolation.
~~ Encourage Critical Thinking: Helping adolescent girls to carefully analyze and think critically about the media and the messages portrayed can help lessen the harmful impact of this influence. Also, when your adolescent starts to argue more with you about everything under the sun, recognize that much of this is simply exercising their new-found intellectual strengths and celebrate their ability to think more critically. Easier said than done, huh?
~~ Encourage Healthy Experimentation: To squelch all experimentation or risk-taking in adolescence is not realistic or even desirable. If adolescents are given plenty of opportunities and support to experiment with hairstyles, clothing, music, hobbies, and interests, then they will be less likely to feel the need to fulfill the urge to experiment with more harmful activities.
~~ Listen, Listen, and Listen Some More: I’ve heard this from the research, I’ve heard it from the girls, and I’ve seen it in myself – the single most important factor that can encourage resiliency and success during a girl’s trying adolescent years is to have access to a caring, supportive adult.
This adult might be a parent, a teacher, a counselor, a coach, a pastor, a neighbor, or anyone else that truly cares about the girl and can listen to her with an open heart and mind. Although the research suggests that adult women can best fill this role for girls, many young women I know pointed to their fathers or male teachers as significant sources of support. For me, it was actually a male counselor and a male youth center director that made the difference.
What’s key here is not your gender, but your willingness to listen to whatever the adolescent girl has to say, no matter how confused and contradictory her statements might be. Sometimes it’s painful to hear what an adolescent is thinking about (like suicide) but then it’s even more important to listen.
Listening does not imply agreement. You don’t have to share the same views as she does, you just need to do your best to understand her views. What isn’t helpful is to lecture, minimize her feelings (calling her crushes “puppy love”), or dismiss her feelings as unimportant (“It’s not that bad,” “You’ll get over it”, etc.).
Ironically, when girls are pulling away from parents and other adults to establish their autonomy, what they really need most is to strengthen their connections with adults. Listening, without judging, is a way to help foster those crucial connections.
How Has This Awareness Changed My Parenting?
I’m grateful that I’ve had a chance to grapple with these issues of adolescence long before my daughter hits this stage. I believe that much of what I do NOW is going to influence her resiliency during adolescence. Specifically, these are my goals:
~~ Educate: One of the most powerful prevention strategies is to educate a child about important issues that influence them. Specifically, I plan to talk to my children about sex (in an age-appropriate manner) throughout their childhoods so that we aren’t facing this as awkward new territory during puberty. I also plan to educate all of my kids to be critical consumers of the media (TV, movies, magazines, and the internet).
~~ Downplay Appearance: My little girl is much more “girly” then I ever was and she loves to dress in pretty dresses and show off. I’ve noticed that my husband and I make quite a few comments to her about how “cute” she is or how “beautiful” she looks. I don’t intend to eliminate these comments from my vocabulary, but I am intentionally downplaying the focus on her appearance and increasing the focus on her abilities, talents, and efforts to try new things.
Interestingly, I’ve also changed how I talk about myself. Instead of making comments like “Oh, I feel so fat” after I eat a rich dessert, I instead focus my comments about myself on feelings of health and strength. Similarly, I try to be a good example of healthy eating habits and exercise so that my kids see this as a normal part of life and are more likely to emulate these practices.
~~ Encourage Expression of Feelings: When my children are feeling happy, sad, mad, fearful, or any other sort of emotion, I try to help them identify and label their feeling. I also make it clear that there are no unacceptable feelings (only unacceptable behaviors) and that it’s perfectly fine to feel angry with someone (even at me!). The more comfortable they feel in expressing their feelings, the less likely they will resort to eating disorders or other harmful behaviors during adolescence as a way to deal with these difficult feelings.
~~ Treat Them With Respect: If kids are treated with respect throughout their childhood, then they are more likely to respect themselves during adolescence and make better decisions and set better limits.
The way I try to show my respect for my children is to disapprove of their inappropriate behaviors (“It’s not OK to hit your brother”) rather than disapprove of their personhood (“You’re a bad boy!). I also try to show them that their ideas and opinions are valuable. Finally, I encourage them to respect their bodies by doing things that will keep them healthy, safe, and strong.
In addition, I am teaching my children to always treat others with respect. Whenever they hurt someone, either physically or emotionally, we talk about how that person feels and discuss what they could do differently next time so that the person won’t feel hurt. In particular, I am determined to raise my two boys to respect girls and to think about how their actions will effect girls. I have a zero tolerance for harmful teasing and mistreatment of others.
To Sum it Up…
I’m very hesitant to hit that submit button because I know there is so much more to say about girls during adolescence. I haven’t even touched on their academic experience. However, I just can’t cover it all. Instead, I would like to refer you to the resources listed below that can hopefully give you the additional information you may need.
If I had to sum it all up in one sentence, I would say “Love them, educate them, respect them, set firm expectations, and LISTEN to what they have to say.”
Good luck!
Additional Resources
Several books that I’ve found to be quite helpful and inspirational on the topic of adolescent girls include:
• “Reviving Ophelia” by Mary Pipher
• “Ophelia Speaks” by Sara Shandler
• “School Girls” by Peggy Orenstein
Some websites that might be helpful include:
• The Adolescence Directory On-Line (ADOL):
http://educ.indiana.edu/cas/adol/adol.html
• Center for Media Literacy:
http://www.medialit.org/
• Department of Health and Human Services’ Youthinfo:
http://youth.os.dhhs.gov/
• Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention, Inc.:
http://members.aol.com/edapinc/
• Girl Power!:
http://www.health.org/gpower
• Girls, Inc.:
http://www.girlsinc.org
• National Eating Disorders Organization:
http://www.laureate.com
• National Institute on Media and the Family:
http://www.mediaandthefamily.org
• National Parenting Center:
http://www.tnpc.com
• Parenting Today’s Teen:
http://www.parentingteens.com
• Positive Parenting Online:
http://www.positiveparenting.com
• Teen Help:
http://www.vpp.com/teenhelp
• Youth and Children Resources Net:
http://www.child.net/childco.htm
• Youth Power:
http://www.justsayno.org
Please feel free to suggest additional resources or ideas in the comment section and let me know if any of these links are unproductive. Thanks!
Dr_Steph
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