“No One Cares About the Main Course When the Appetizer is Turds in a Blanket!”
Mar 29 '01
The Bottom Line Mad Theory returns to the laboratory in order to help you choose titles for your reviews. My conclusion? A rose by any other name still has thorns.
The title of this is a quote from Phil Hartman’s (one of the greatest comedians of all time) character on the TV sitcom News Radio from the episode “In Through the Out Door”. In this episode, Station Manager Dave Nelson (Dave Foley, Kids in the Hall) has consented to introduce on-air personality Bill McNeal (Hartman) at a Broadcast Society award ceremony. Dave is so terrible at giving speeches, Bill is concerned that his own speech will suffer as a result. He takes Dave under his wing and tries to teach him the finer points of speech-making in order to insure that his own speech goes without a hitch.
To me, the quote did an exemplary job of summing up the importance of titles here at Epinions. The title of your review is essentially an appetizer; something to attract an audience and whet your readers’ appetites. The body of the work is the main course, and contains the “meat” of the review. If your title is obviously worthless, people will assume the review is as well, and overlook your opinion completely.
So how on earth do you create a great title for your review? Once again, Mad Theory has done the necessary research for you. I expect Thank You e-cards. In this review, I have isolated several types of titles and analyzed the possible merits and pitfalls of each one, and ranked them accordingly.
7) The Lowest Common Denominator Title – The Epinionator uses this type of title basically just to grab hits. The title appeals to the lowest common denominator of Epinions members and visitors by making references to sex, drugs, religion, flaming, or anything else that immediately commands attention. Often, the reason these reviewers tend to use this titling method is because the review itself is a huge pile of steaming crap and cannot possibly stand on its own merits. However, if used tactfully, this type of title can be a valid method of grabbing people’s attention.
My Examples:
Take It and Squeeze It: Come and Feel The ‘Nuts! - on Take It or Squeeze It (The Beatnuts)
This Just In: Crack is 50% Less Addictive than Quake 3 Arena! – on Quake 3 Arena
6) The Not Even Trying Title - I tend to see this type of title from the less original members of our community. The writer just uses the name of the product he’s reviewing for the article’s title. An example of this type is when an Epinionator reviewing the Boston Acoustics VR950 stereo speakers cleverly titles his review, “The Boston Acoustics VR950 Stereo Speakers”. The reviews with titles such as this are usually well written, just dry and unimaginative.
My Examples:
I don’t have any, as I am far too creative to use this one. Just use your imagination, please.
5)The ‘I Tried A Little Bit’ Title - This type of title practically screams SH. The author racks his brain for a whole 2 seconds to come up with a few adjectives that describes the product, then makes those words his title. I’ve seen titles like “Sleek and Fast” for the 2000 Porsche 911 Carerra. WELL D’UH! IT’S A PORSCHE! How about “Plays CDs” for a CD player, or “Two Wheels and a Seat” for a Bicycle??? Give the reader something that’s not painfully obvious. I avoid these completely, because 90% of the time, these reviews just plain suck.
My Examples:
Again, I am too creative to use this. In fact, I’m insulted you even looked here.
4) The Opinioned Title - An example of this type of title is “I Love My Pollenex Humbug Massager!” or “The Playstation 2 Sucks!!!”. Basically this type of title tells you exactly how the writer feels about the product, so you almost don’t even have to read the thing. I always try to avoid giving my opinion in the title of my reviews just for this reason. I want you to have to read my review to get my opinion, thus ensuring that I get the hits (ahhh…just look at the pennies roll in!).
My Examples:
Rah Digga: The Best Female MC in Hip-Hop! – on Dirty Harriet (Rah Digga)
A Few More Shows Like This and I’ll Throw My TV Out of a Window – on The Parkers
3) The Personal Experience Title - “Windows Me Fried My Computer!” These are the reviews I definitely try to hit, because this person has had an experience with the product that was so profound, they just had to write about it. I find absolutely nothing wrong with using this type of title, just as long your personal experience is described in detail within the body of the review itself. Go ahead and rant! I’m listening!
My Examples:
My Fighting Style? I Use the Mad Catz Dream Pad Fury Fist! Whaa taaaaa!!! – on Mad Catz Dream Pad DC
Geico Direct: A Few Insights from an Ex-Insider – on Geico Direct
2) The Clever Title - This is my favorite type of title (as you can tell). It usually loosely ties in with the product or article in someway that’s not always obvious. This uses the curiosity factor to compel members and non-members to click, just to see why anyone in their right mind would choose that as a title. Once they’re in, you have to make sure you put them in a headlock (captivate them) with detail, creative writing, and intelligence. If you don’t, the readers may feel like you tricked them into clicking, and avoid you in the future.
My Examples:
How To Make a Nice, Neat Peanut Butter Sandwich that Everyone Will Want to Eat. – on Before You Begin Writing a Review
“I be dissing magazines, but then buy The Source…” - on The Source
1) The Straightforward Title - I’ve found this is by far the best and most common type of title here at Epinions. The product being rated is somehow included in the title, but additional information is given to give the reader a better idea of the overall opinion. Humor, irony and other additional touches within the title help to personalize it. Since the subject of the piece is clear, it’s safe for the reader to assume that you’re going to treat him or her to an honest, no-nonsense review. I’ve found that this type of title works best in the Electronics section.
My Examples:
The Sony DCR PC100: The Heavyweight Champion of Camcorders
The Rim 957 Wireless Handheld: When You Absolutely Have to Check Your Email Every Five Minutes…
Well, that’s about it. Since human nature is to judge books by their covers, your choice of title will have an affect on the number of reads your review will receive. Nevertheless, it will ultimately come down to how good your opinion is. If it’s weak, the most clever title in the world won’t jack up your hit count. If you’ve written the best article ever to grace Epinions’ pastel facade, regardless of the title, it will get read.
So my advice is to choose your titles wisely, but don’t spend too much time on them. If you make sure that your reviews are well written, intelligent, and informative, you really won’t have to even worry about the title. As long as it’s more appetizing than ‘Turds in a Blanket,’ you’ll be OK.
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Epinions.com ID:
madtheory
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 - Top 100 |
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Location: Dallas,TX
Reviews written: 485
Trusted by: 590 members
About Me:
DON'T CALL IT A COMEB... wait. I guess you actually can call it a comeback.
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